We were at my mom and dad's for most of Easter weekend. Dad picked me up on Friday morning and I was too busy. My dryer broke and I was loading up all my wet laundry to take to mom and dad's to dry. Mom wanted me to bring my Wii, so we could play Mario. There was just too much stuff to grab. Either way, I shouldn't have forgotten. But I did. I forgot Bella's medicine at home and remembered my stupid Wii. It shouldn't have been a big deal, Peter was coming later on so he could grab it. She'd miss her morning dose, but that's happened before, not very often, but once or twice. Not the end of the world, just enough to send me on a self-induced "worst mom of the year" guilt trip.
Peter brought the medicine, I gave her a bit extra for the afternoon and evening, since she'd missed the morning. I left it at my mom and dad's so when I came back the next day I wouldn't have to worry about forgetting. We got her morning, afternoon and evening doses on time that whole day. I should have noticed. I should have noticed when I picked up the bottle, when I put it in the syringe, it's the wrong color. There's a freaking "S" right on the front, I put it there with a Sharpie so that this wouldn't ever happen. I should have noticed when she didn't want to nap, and wouldn't sleep longer than a half hour at a time, or when she inhaled about five times as much Easter dinner as Cadence, who is twice her size. I'm her mother, I should have figured it out.
When we got home Saturday night, after giving her her evening dose, I went to put the medicine in the fridge, in the spot I always keep it. But there was already a bottle there. Her medicine. Peter had grabbed her steroids. After all the hard work I'd done to get her off, after how excited I had been that I would never have to give my baby a stomach ache again, I dosed her with a good amount of steroids for two entire days.
I totally fell apart when I saw it. Put my face in my hands and sobbed until I couldn't breathe. I CANNOT screw up with this. I just can't. And I did. Yes, Peter grabbed the wrong bottle, but he never should have had to grab it in the first place, I should have remembered. And I should have noticed the S. And I should have noticed the color. But I didn't. We called the nurses line and they made sure we didn't overdose her, which I already knew we hadn't, since I've had her on much higher doses before, and when she was much smaller. But going off steroids quickly can make your brain suddenly swell - were we now risking that? I needed to give her her other medication, but it affects blood pressure, and since she hadn't had it for a while, was I risking her heart rate? We used to have another medication to give her because of how hard the steroids are on her tummy, I didn't have any.
Nanaimo hospital was totally useless. They wouldn't even tell us who the on call pediatrician was. I wasn't going to take her to emergency to sit with a bunch of sick people (what about her immune system?) to have some stupid resident have to pull out a textbook to figure out what a hemangioma is. Plus, she's one of a handful of kids who is being treated with the medicine that she's got. It's an extremely new treatment. I needed to talk to someone who KNEW. We called Children's. Her doctor was on call. Thank God. Except that we paged her over and over all night and she never answered or called us back. We stayed up until one thirty before I took her to bed with me and tried unsuccessfully not to worry.
Next morning, more of the same. More paging, no response. Until a receptionist at Children's made me feel like total garbage for not going to the emergency room, or calling 911. "I'm a mom. That's what I'd have done if it were MY child." Translation: "That's what you would do if you were a good mother." More tears, accompanied by some swearing and stomping around by me. Bella was playing happily in her Jolly Jumper. FINALLY, a call from her doctor. "You poor thing, you must have been so worried! No dear, she's fine, she'll be fine, it's okay. You did the right thing." So after all that, nothing too severe. I tossed the steroids in the garbage and we moved on and tried to have a good Easter, but you can see in all the photos that I've been crying all morning, and all the night before. One more first that I feel this damned medicine has stolen from me.
I'm tired. I want it to be over. I want to get in the car and go somewhere with her without worrying about her medicine. I want to put her to sleep without having to wake her again because I forgot to give it to her earlier. She can actually take it in her sleep now, she's so used to it. That makes me so terribly sad. I want her to be better, that thing to be away from her airway and eye. I want her never to remember this, which I am fairly sure she won't. That's something at least.
In good news, she has started sleeping in her crib. Two nights in a row now, only getting up once to eat and going straight back to sleep. Hopefully a little more sleep will help my coping mechanism to work a little better - because Saturday night is a pretty good indication that I am still not coping well with this at all. You wouldn't believe how I lost it.
I want something else to type about, or think about. Maybe my next post will be about her birthday, that I'm already planning. That might be fun. Or the trip to Saskatchewan and hopefully the horse show that I want to take her to see. That would also be great. We're going to Wyoming for Bella's first camping trip in June too, and I can't wait. Things aren't all bad. For the most part, we're coasting along okay over here. But nothing can happen. I can't screw up. I have to do everything perfectly or everything falls apart and I feel the same way I did in the hospital all those months ago. I have the ability to do our day-to-day life and absolutely nothing else.
But she makes me impossibly happy. She says 'mama' and "dada' now, and she gets excited when Peter comes home. She still loves American Idol and still sings herself to sleep. She smiles so easily and laughs at nothing at all. She laughs best at Luc, but today she was giggling like crazy when I was nibbling at her fingers. She's such a happy little thing, and she's perfect in every way, and I can't imagine feeling a little more sane, but being without her. I'd take the insanity any day of the week. She's completely enchanting and makes it worth it. I told Peter once, "I love you madly" and he responded "I love you, Crazy". How very apt.
Peter brought the medicine, I gave her a bit extra for the afternoon and evening, since she'd missed the morning. I left it at my mom and dad's so when I came back the next day I wouldn't have to worry about forgetting. We got her morning, afternoon and evening doses on time that whole day. I should have noticed. I should have noticed when I picked up the bottle, when I put it in the syringe, it's the wrong color. There's a freaking "S" right on the front, I put it there with a Sharpie so that this wouldn't ever happen. I should have noticed when she didn't want to nap, and wouldn't sleep longer than a half hour at a time, or when she inhaled about five times as much Easter dinner as Cadence, who is twice her size. I'm her mother, I should have figured it out.
When we got home Saturday night, after giving her her evening dose, I went to put the medicine in the fridge, in the spot I always keep it. But there was already a bottle there. Her medicine. Peter had grabbed her steroids. After all the hard work I'd done to get her off, after how excited I had been that I would never have to give my baby a stomach ache again, I dosed her with a good amount of steroids for two entire days.
I totally fell apart when I saw it. Put my face in my hands and sobbed until I couldn't breathe. I CANNOT screw up with this. I just can't. And I did. Yes, Peter grabbed the wrong bottle, but he never should have had to grab it in the first place, I should have remembered. And I should have noticed the S. And I should have noticed the color. But I didn't. We called the nurses line and they made sure we didn't overdose her, which I already knew we hadn't, since I've had her on much higher doses before, and when she was much smaller. But going off steroids quickly can make your brain suddenly swell - were we now risking that? I needed to give her her other medication, but it affects blood pressure, and since she hadn't had it for a while, was I risking her heart rate? We used to have another medication to give her because of how hard the steroids are on her tummy, I didn't have any.
Nanaimo hospital was totally useless. They wouldn't even tell us who the on call pediatrician was. I wasn't going to take her to emergency to sit with a bunch of sick people (what about her immune system?) to have some stupid resident have to pull out a textbook to figure out what a hemangioma is. Plus, she's one of a handful of kids who is being treated with the medicine that she's got. It's an extremely new treatment. I needed to talk to someone who KNEW. We called Children's. Her doctor was on call. Thank God. Except that we paged her over and over all night and she never answered or called us back. We stayed up until one thirty before I took her to bed with me and tried unsuccessfully not to worry.
Next morning, more of the same. More paging, no response. Until a receptionist at Children's made me feel like total garbage for not going to the emergency room, or calling 911. "I'm a mom. That's what I'd have done if it were MY child." Translation: "That's what you would do if you were a good mother." More tears, accompanied by some swearing and stomping around by me. Bella was playing happily in her Jolly Jumper. FINALLY, a call from her doctor. "You poor thing, you must have been so worried! No dear, she's fine, she'll be fine, it's okay. You did the right thing." So after all that, nothing too severe. I tossed the steroids in the garbage and we moved on and tried to have a good Easter, but you can see in all the photos that I've been crying all morning, and all the night before. One more first that I feel this damned medicine has stolen from me.
I'm tired. I want it to be over. I want to get in the car and go somewhere with her without worrying about her medicine. I want to put her to sleep without having to wake her again because I forgot to give it to her earlier. She can actually take it in her sleep now, she's so used to it. That makes me so terribly sad. I want her to be better, that thing to be away from her airway and eye. I want her never to remember this, which I am fairly sure she won't. That's something at least.
In good news, she has started sleeping in her crib. Two nights in a row now, only getting up once to eat and going straight back to sleep. Hopefully a little more sleep will help my coping mechanism to work a little better - because Saturday night is a pretty good indication that I am still not coping well with this at all. You wouldn't believe how I lost it.
I want something else to type about, or think about. Maybe my next post will be about her birthday, that I'm already planning. That might be fun. Or the trip to Saskatchewan and hopefully the horse show that I want to take her to see. That would also be great. We're going to Wyoming for Bella's first camping trip in June too, and I can't wait. Things aren't all bad. For the most part, we're coasting along okay over here. But nothing can happen. I can't screw up. I have to do everything perfectly or everything falls apart and I feel the same way I did in the hospital all those months ago. I have the ability to do our day-to-day life and absolutely nothing else.
But she makes me impossibly happy. She says 'mama' and "dada' now, and she gets excited when Peter comes home. She still loves American Idol and still sings herself to sleep. She smiles so easily and laughs at nothing at all. She laughs best at Luc, but today she was giggling like crazy when I was nibbling at her fingers. She's such a happy little thing, and she's perfect in every way, and I can't imagine feeling a little more sane, but being without her. I'd take the insanity any day of the week. She's completely enchanting and makes it worth it. I told Peter once, "I love you madly" and he responded "I love you, Crazy". How very apt.
