People used to say that about Christians. They were wrong. And right. "Mothers are the meanest group of people in the world" I believe I posted to Facebook not long ago. I took it down almost immediately, thanks to a friend who said that it was a pretty awful generalization and Facebook wasn't the place for it. She was right. I was wrong. And I was right.
I'll preface this with saying that I know some amazing mothers. I come from a good line of them. I have some amazing friends that are wonderful mothers. The other day at a restaurant, I met a waitress who was a single mom, and she spoke glowingly about her daughter. She loved being a mom, and was so nauseatingly in love with her little girl that she couldn't see straight. She found Bella a book in her purse or her car that her daughter had outgrown and gave it to her. It was the first time I as a customer had been "tipped" by a waitress, and I was touched. A total stranger. It made my day. I may have spoken to her manager, called the restaurants head office and spoken to them, saying she needs a raise. I've always been a little overboard that way.
When I was a girl, our whole extended family used to vacation at the lake together. We'd take up a bunch of campsites, the kids slept all over the place, and in the afternoons we'd all meet at the beach. I have a lot of uncles, and a couple of them had boats. Tubing behind a boat with my uncles are some of the best and most terrifying memories of my childhood. I can picture myself back there, sitting in some plastic contraption holding a nylon handle, bobbing quietly in the water and watching my uncles in the boat up ahead in the calm before they'd hit the throttle. Knowing I wanted a ride, wishing against all logic that they'd tow me nicely around the lake at a reasonable speed. Watching to see which one of them was taking the wheel. I never got that nice pull around the lake. It was always a million miles an hour, until I either hit a wave and careened wildly into the air or I got tired and simply couldn't hold on any longer. I don't remember a single trip that ended without a wipe out. That was the point.
Motherhood feels like that to me. Sitting in the tube, feeling totally powerless and about to be taken on an exhilarating and frightening ride, knowing that I went ahead and got myself into this mess and wondering why. Partly loving it and partly wanting to sob in fright. I think a lot of us feel like that. When women are honest and vulnerable with each other I feel like we are built for such amazing relationships. We connect in such an beautiful way. And if we all feel this way, why don't we rally together, instead of being mean and judgmental and awful? But mom's really are mean.
I'm on a fun shopping day with my sister and our kids. When we're ready to leave our favorite kids store, adorable purchases in tow, Bella decides to "assert her independence". She says she's taking an entire rack of leggings and when I tell her to put it back she says no. When I tell her she can't talk to me like that she pulls something she's never done in her life and raises her little fist and pops me on the chin three times. Bop bop bop. In front of the sales lady. I'm first of all startled, then angry, then embarrassed, then lost. What do you do for a consequence? I nearly told her we weren't going to feed the seals at the park, but that's not fair to her cousin who is behaving. I grab her hand and drag her to the bathroom. Which is MILES away. She's barely keeping up with me, and knows I'm incredibly upset, and is screaming her head off. I can't get upset here, not with everyone around, besides, I don't know what I'll say. She's never hit me. I'm desperate for a place to be alone with her, to be able to parent without judgmental eyes and ears. We make it to the bathrooms, and have to wait for a handicapped bathroom because Lord knows I can't go into the stalls. As we're standing there a total stranger comes up to my and my screaming child and says, "Oh! Is that how we always get what we want?"
When talking to people about Bella's health issues in the beginning I've often laughed and said, "We're hoping she's an easy teenager, since she's used up all our stress reserves." Most people laugh a snide sounding laugh and roll their eyes and say, "Yeah, good luck with that." REALLY?! C'mon people. I'm aware that one has nothing to do with the other. When I talk to other moms about the day to day struggles of meal times, or spending less time in front of the TV, or all the stuff that comes with having a three year old, I get told ALL THE TIME, "Have fun when she's 13." Often by moms who don't have teenagers, who never have.
I get told that I'm lucky I only have one. If I had four then I'd be able to talk. Sure, that would be more stress, but Bella would have a playmate other than myself, and the ability to grow up with a sibling (something Peter and I loved). And could we also take a second and be super honest about that? Bella doesn't have a sibling NOT because we wouldn't have LOVED for her to have a sibling. So shut the hell up.
In what scenario is it okay to tell someone who is struggling, frightened, and overwhelmed that they're screwed either way? Or that, "you think it's hard now? You've seen NOTHING. Things are about to really, really suck." That's a mean thing to say! And I hear it LOTS. And lets say for arguments sake, that they're right. It's still awful. Maybe more so.
So let me take one second and be super honest, and really vulnerable. It's hurtful. It makes me feel little, and stupid, and like I'm never ever going to be a good mom. It makes me feel like it's not okay to struggle. It makes me feel so isolated in all this.
To the mom who glared at me because Bella watched Netflix on our walk - screw you. I'm in desperate need of losing 40 pounds which is one more exhausting thing on my list of crap to do. My kid can't walk because she can't lose weight or I'm going to have to add a nutritionist to our list of doctors and I don't want to. I'm trying to keep her awake so that she gets a good night sleep before we head to our cardiologist appointment tomorrow. Which I'm sure will probably go fine, but I'm allowed to be a little stressed out about without some other mom saying, "At least she doesn't have cancer."
There's the moms who think I'm an elitist snob and that my daughter is going to be an unsocialized awkward idiot with a below par education if I home school her.(I feel vindicated that unsocialized is not a word) To them? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. I don't think you're a terrible parent for choosing public education for your child, do me the service of reserving your judgment of me. And also? I am unbelievably scared to home school her. But I want it to be me who teaches her to read. I want to be there for those moments when she figures something out. I want to be able to explain things to her, and learn with her. I realize I'm probably getting in way over my head, and I really don't need to hear it from someone else, usually someone who knows us not at all.
To the mom who wrote the condescending post about the mom in the park with her iPhone who was missing her children's childhoods, I ask, "Who was watching your kids while you were judging every minuscule detail about her?" And to every mom who forwarded it all over the Internet so I saw it at least four times - way to go. Way to forward a mean message about a mom who was likely simply catching a few minutes of "me time" while her kids were happily playing at the park. I've done it. I did it today. I still pushed her on the swing, we still had fun.
I'm not saying I've never stood in judgment, and that I'm not so sorry about that. We've all done it a time or two. But goodness sake, could we maybe tell each other just a little, "Hey, you're a good mom. That's a sweet kid you have there, you must be proud of yourself" Don't be surprised if you say it and some mom breaks down crying in relief. Don't we all feel like we're screwing it up? My goodness, lets throw each other a rope instead of looking at each other drowning and saying, "Wow - you think you can't swim there? The waves are about to get way worse." And then walking smugly away. WHY do people do that? I just don't get it.
The problem is, it's mostly strangers who do it. Nobody who reads this post is going to be the mom I'm talking about (though I wish the judgy one with the viral post would). So my mission for this week, is to find one of those people - a stranger or a distance acquaintance and tell her she's doing a great job as a mom. I'll tell you how it goes. Someone's gotta freaking say it, and I'm sure not hearing it. Let's have that go viral.
You are doing a good job, even on the days you're not. Even on the days when you glance at your phone too often, or sit your kid in a cooling bath to write a blog for an hour just so you can get your feelings out. It's not like there's anyone to talk to. I'm here alone almost every afternoon and evening. I'd appreciate (without an ounce of sarcasm), would really REALLY appreciate, being able to go on my walk without the "You're a crap mom" glare. Because it matters to me. More than it should, more than I'd normally ever want to admit. It matters.
I'll preface this with saying that I know some amazing mothers. I come from a good line of them. I have some amazing friends that are wonderful mothers. The other day at a restaurant, I met a waitress who was a single mom, and she spoke glowingly about her daughter. She loved being a mom, and was so nauseatingly in love with her little girl that she couldn't see straight. She found Bella a book in her purse or her car that her daughter had outgrown and gave it to her. It was the first time I as a customer had been "tipped" by a waitress, and I was touched. A total stranger. It made my day. I may have spoken to her manager, called the restaurants head office and spoken to them, saying she needs a raise. I've always been a little overboard that way.
When I was a girl, our whole extended family used to vacation at the lake together. We'd take up a bunch of campsites, the kids slept all over the place, and in the afternoons we'd all meet at the beach. I have a lot of uncles, and a couple of them had boats. Tubing behind a boat with my uncles are some of the best and most terrifying memories of my childhood. I can picture myself back there, sitting in some plastic contraption holding a nylon handle, bobbing quietly in the water and watching my uncles in the boat up ahead in the calm before they'd hit the throttle. Knowing I wanted a ride, wishing against all logic that they'd tow me nicely around the lake at a reasonable speed. Watching to see which one of them was taking the wheel. I never got that nice pull around the lake. It was always a million miles an hour, until I either hit a wave and careened wildly into the air or I got tired and simply couldn't hold on any longer. I don't remember a single trip that ended without a wipe out. That was the point.
Motherhood feels like that to me. Sitting in the tube, feeling totally powerless and about to be taken on an exhilarating and frightening ride, knowing that I went ahead and got myself into this mess and wondering why. Partly loving it and partly wanting to sob in fright. I think a lot of us feel like that. When women are honest and vulnerable with each other I feel like we are built for such amazing relationships. We connect in such an beautiful way. And if we all feel this way, why don't we rally together, instead of being mean and judgmental and awful? But mom's really are mean.
I'm on a fun shopping day with my sister and our kids. When we're ready to leave our favorite kids store, adorable purchases in tow, Bella decides to "assert her independence". She says she's taking an entire rack of leggings and when I tell her to put it back she says no. When I tell her she can't talk to me like that she pulls something she's never done in her life and raises her little fist and pops me on the chin three times. Bop bop bop. In front of the sales lady. I'm first of all startled, then angry, then embarrassed, then lost. What do you do for a consequence? I nearly told her we weren't going to feed the seals at the park, but that's not fair to her cousin who is behaving. I grab her hand and drag her to the bathroom. Which is MILES away. She's barely keeping up with me, and knows I'm incredibly upset, and is screaming her head off. I can't get upset here, not with everyone around, besides, I don't know what I'll say. She's never hit me. I'm desperate for a place to be alone with her, to be able to parent without judgmental eyes and ears. We make it to the bathrooms, and have to wait for a handicapped bathroom because Lord knows I can't go into the stalls. As we're standing there a total stranger comes up to my and my screaming child and says, "Oh! Is that how we always get what we want?"
When talking to people about Bella's health issues in the beginning I've often laughed and said, "We're hoping she's an easy teenager, since she's used up all our stress reserves." Most people laugh a snide sounding laugh and roll their eyes and say, "Yeah, good luck with that." REALLY?! C'mon people. I'm aware that one has nothing to do with the other. When I talk to other moms about the day to day struggles of meal times, or spending less time in front of the TV, or all the stuff that comes with having a three year old, I get told ALL THE TIME, "Have fun when she's 13." Often by moms who don't have teenagers, who never have.
I get told that I'm lucky I only have one. If I had four then I'd be able to talk. Sure, that would be more stress, but Bella would have a playmate other than myself, and the ability to grow up with a sibling (something Peter and I loved). And could we also take a second and be super honest about that? Bella doesn't have a sibling NOT because we wouldn't have LOVED for her to have a sibling. So shut the hell up.
In what scenario is it okay to tell someone who is struggling, frightened, and overwhelmed that they're screwed either way? Or that, "you think it's hard now? You've seen NOTHING. Things are about to really, really suck." That's a mean thing to say! And I hear it LOTS. And lets say for arguments sake, that they're right. It's still awful. Maybe more so.
So let me take one second and be super honest, and really vulnerable. It's hurtful. It makes me feel little, and stupid, and like I'm never ever going to be a good mom. It makes me feel like it's not okay to struggle. It makes me feel so isolated in all this.
To the mom who glared at me because Bella watched Netflix on our walk - screw you. I'm in desperate need of losing 40 pounds which is one more exhausting thing on my list of crap to do. My kid can't walk because she can't lose weight or I'm going to have to add a nutritionist to our list of doctors and I don't want to. I'm trying to keep her awake so that she gets a good night sleep before we head to our cardiologist appointment tomorrow. Which I'm sure will probably go fine, but I'm allowed to be a little stressed out about without some other mom saying, "At least she doesn't have cancer."
There's the moms who think I'm an elitist snob and that my daughter is going to be an unsocialized awkward idiot with a below par education if I home school her.(I feel vindicated that unsocialized is not a word) To them? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. I don't think you're a terrible parent for choosing public education for your child, do me the service of reserving your judgment of me. And also? I am unbelievably scared to home school her. But I want it to be me who teaches her to read. I want to be there for those moments when she figures something out. I want to be able to explain things to her, and learn with her. I realize I'm probably getting in way over my head, and I really don't need to hear it from someone else, usually someone who knows us not at all.
To the mom who wrote the condescending post about the mom in the park with her iPhone who was missing her children's childhoods, I ask, "Who was watching your kids while you were judging every minuscule detail about her?" And to every mom who forwarded it all over the Internet so I saw it at least four times - way to go. Way to forward a mean message about a mom who was likely simply catching a few minutes of "me time" while her kids were happily playing at the park. I've done it. I did it today. I still pushed her on the swing, we still had fun.
I'm not saying I've never stood in judgment, and that I'm not so sorry about that. We've all done it a time or two. But goodness sake, could we maybe tell each other just a little, "Hey, you're a good mom. That's a sweet kid you have there, you must be proud of yourself" Don't be surprised if you say it and some mom breaks down crying in relief. Don't we all feel like we're screwing it up? My goodness, lets throw each other a rope instead of looking at each other drowning and saying, "Wow - you think you can't swim there? The waves are about to get way worse." And then walking smugly away. WHY do people do that? I just don't get it.
The problem is, it's mostly strangers who do it. Nobody who reads this post is going to be the mom I'm talking about (though I wish the judgy one with the viral post would). So my mission for this week, is to find one of those people - a stranger or a distance acquaintance and tell her she's doing a great job as a mom. I'll tell you how it goes. Someone's gotta freaking say it, and I'm sure not hearing it. Let's have that go viral.
You are doing a good job, even on the days you're not. Even on the days when you glance at your phone too often, or sit your kid in a cooling bath to write a blog for an hour just so you can get your feelings out. It's not like there's anyone to talk to. I'm here alone almost every afternoon and evening. I'd appreciate (without an ounce of sarcasm), would really REALLY appreciate, being able to go on my walk without the "You're a crap mom" glare. Because it matters to me. More than it should, more than I'd normally ever want to admit. It matters.
