(Wow. It's been so long since I've written that they've changed the layout of Bloggers dashboard and I don't know my way around anymore. When did this happen?)
I've been thinking about parenting lately. I have a smart, smart little girl. One who picks up on everything I'm saying and doing and at some point recently, it's occurred to me in a big way that I am raising this child. I know that seems like an obvious conclusion to come to, and parents will understand more easily what I mean. Let me explain this way: I knew I wanted to have Bella. I don't think it really occurred to me that SHE'D have ME. I've been thinking of intentional parenting, about not being so reactive. I saw a Pinterest sign that said that having a toddler is like having a blender going in your house with the lid off. Some days it's like that, and I rush all over the place wiping up frantically even as the mess occurs. On those days, I say no too often. I become impatient. I long for naptime, or a shift at the credit union. On those days, I feel like the worst of mothers. I put her to bed and want to just lay down and cry. And then it hits me. I didn't just have a child. I became someone's mother. And I suck at it. Poor kid.
So I've decided I'm going to be better. Do better. I'm going to raise my voice less. Practice taking deep breaths. And read. Being a mom is something I want to be amazing at. Surely there's a book or two that could help. Oh wait. There's four hundred and seventy three million parenting books. "How to get your baby to _______" is a pretty popular title. But that's not my question. I don't want to get her to do something, or not do something...wait. This is a lie. I want her to poop on the potty consistently. But I digress.
It's amazing to me that the vast majority of parenting books I've found are focused on the child's behavior. It starts with sleeping through the night, and goes on from there. I have books on how to disguise vegetables in chocolate and how not to have your daughter become a tramp by age 12. All good stuff. I'd like her to eat veggies. I'd like her to maintain her modesty and dignity. Not many of them answer the question, "how do I be a good mother to my child?" There are some, but again, the answers are so contradictory it's difficult to know where to start.
Someone great gave me amazing parenting advice once, when I was being badgered to read a certain book that I disagree with pretty profoundly. Someone was saying it was the ONLY way to parent and had an amazing success rate. Anyway, I didn't want to offend by saying that I thought it was a load of hooey, even if it did work, but at the same time would rather have spent my fifteen bucks on almost anything else. Like a new novel to read at three in the morning while I nursed on demand (insert sad head shake here). Anyway, this great person (we'll call her Schmecky) told me, "It can be good advice and still be terrible advice for you. Every baby is different, but every mom is different too. You have to parent in a way that's true to who you are. If this amazing trick gets your baby to sleep through the night but you simply don't have the personality type to do it, then it's not good advice. Even if it works." (It should be noted that this is massively paraphrased.)
I've been thinking about that a lot. Parenting in a way that's true to who God made me to be, while still asking him to file down those rough edges. (Someone get the Man a big file - stat) I've been reading, researching, trying to find something that fits. Some sort of a starting point so I can weed through the literature and find something I'd want to read from start to finish. Enter The Hippie Housewife, and the term Attachment Parenting. I'd never heard it before last week, but it's a lot of things that I've always felt about parenting on a wide variety of topics, that happily fit under a heading. Which is nice and organized for me. And helps with my Google search for good books.
-I don't let Bella cry it out. Not ever. Not even now. I won't do it. If she cries. I come. I'll do it until she moves out.
-I breastfed for 16 months and LOVED it. On demand. And for a baby on steroids, I can't begin to tell you what that meant for me. Sometimes every twenty minutes for HOURS on end. Days on end. I spent our first Christmas vacation in bed with my top off because there was just no point. She ate. I read the entire Twilight saga, to my discredit.
-I co sleep (GASP!) I get the most comments about this one. I probably will co-sleep until either a:Peter gets better hours, or b:Bella tells me she's over it. And if Peter gets better hours, then I don't know what. Both Bella and I LOVE going to sleep together. And if you're about to argue that she'll never sleep in her own bed and Peter and I will never have sex again, you are wrong. She sleeps in her crib whenever I ask her to with no fuss. We love it. It's not for everyone, and our work situation certainly lends itself to it, but for us? It's the best part of my day.
What makes me happy is that Attachment Parenting is not about raising brats. It's not about children who learn that Mama says yes whenever they ask. Anyone who knows me knows I have some pretty strict boundaries with Bella. Probably too many, simply because she understands far too well. This is about acknowledging that I am the adult. I chose to have you, not the other way around. It's about questioning my motives. WHY do people obsess about sleeping through the night? It's not like I don't get the sleep deprivation thing, I do. (Seriously...Every. Twenty. Minutes.) But this is about asking myself if I am reacting to Bella out of love or selfishness. Do I put her first? God tells us that we should put others above ourselves, that we should serve them with love. He doesn't ask us to be doormats, but to be intentional in the way that we love and serve others. I think others includes my daughter. I teach her to respect me when I say no, because I am part of the foundation of how she will relate to God (oh my goodness) and I want her to be obedient to him. But I don't teach her to respect me because I'm embarrassed that she's defying my authority in the grocery store lineup and the perfect mom behind me is drilling holes into the back of my head with her judge-y eyes. (Oh - she shops at your grocery store too? Small world.) This is about my mindset. It's about where my head is at. It is about living in a way that is intentional, instead of in a way that is purely reactive. I suck at it on a pretty impressive level, if you were wondering. But I'd really, really like to learn. What's more important than this?
I've been thinking about parenting lately. I have a smart, smart little girl. One who picks up on everything I'm saying and doing and at some point recently, it's occurred to me in a big way that I am raising this child. I know that seems like an obvious conclusion to come to, and parents will understand more easily what I mean. Let me explain this way: I knew I wanted to have Bella. I don't think it really occurred to me that SHE'D have ME. I've been thinking of intentional parenting, about not being so reactive. I saw a Pinterest sign that said that having a toddler is like having a blender going in your house with the lid off. Some days it's like that, and I rush all over the place wiping up frantically even as the mess occurs. On those days, I say no too often. I become impatient. I long for naptime, or a shift at the credit union. On those days, I feel like the worst of mothers. I put her to bed and want to just lay down and cry. And then it hits me. I didn't just have a child. I became someone's mother. And I suck at it. Poor kid.
So I've decided I'm going to be better. Do better. I'm going to raise my voice less. Practice taking deep breaths. And read. Being a mom is something I want to be amazing at. Surely there's a book or two that could help. Oh wait. There's four hundred and seventy three million parenting books. "How to get your baby to _______" is a pretty popular title. But that's not my question. I don't want to get her to do something, or not do something...wait. This is a lie. I want her to poop on the potty consistently. But I digress.
It's amazing to me that the vast majority of parenting books I've found are focused on the child's behavior. It starts with sleeping through the night, and goes on from there. I have books on how to disguise vegetables in chocolate and how not to have your daughter become a tramp by age 12. All good stuff. I'd like her to eat veggies. I'd like her to maintain her modesty and dignity. Not many of them answer the question, "how do I be a good mother to my child?" There are some, but again, the answers are so contradictory it's difficult to know where to start.
Someone great gave me amazing parenting advice once, when I was being badgered to read a certain book that I disagree with pretty profoundly. Someone was saying it was the ONLY way to parent and had an amazing success rate. Anyway, I didn't want to offend by saying that I thought it was a load of hooey, even if it did work, but at the same time would rather have spent my fifteen bucks on almost anything else. Like a new novel to read at three in the morning while I nursed on demand (insert sad head shake here). Anyway, this great person (we'll call her Schmecky) told me, "It can be good advice and still be terrible advice for you. Every baby is different, but every mom is different too. You have to parent in a way that's true to who you are. If this amazing trick gets your baby to sleep through the night but you simply don't have the personality type to do it, then it's not good advice. Even if it works." (It should be noted that this is massively paraphrased.)
I've been thinking about that a lot. Parenting in a way that's true to who God made me to be, while still asking him to file down those rough edges. (Someone get the Man a big file - stat) I've been reading, researching, trying to find something that fits. Some sort of a starting point so I can weed through the literature and find something I'd want to read from start to finish. Enter The Hippie Housewife, and the term Attachment Parenting. I'd never heard it before last week, but it's a lot of things that I've always felt about parenting on a wide variety of topics, that happily fit under a heading. Which is nice and organized for me. And helps with my Google search for good books.
-I don't let Bella cry it out. Not ever. Not even now. I won't do it. If she cries. I come. I'll do it until she moves out.
-I breastfed for 16 months and LOVED it. On demand. And for a baby on steroids, I can't begin to tell you what that meant for me. Sometimes every twenty minutes for HOURS on end. Days on end. I spent our first Christmas vacation in bed with my top off because there was just no point. She ate. I read the entire Twilight saga, to my discredit.
-I co sleep (GASP!) I get the most comments about this one. I probably will co-sleep until either a:Peter gets better hours, or b:Bella tells me she's over it. And if Peter gets better hours, then I don't know what. Both Bella and I LOVE going to sleep together. And if you're about to argue that she'll never sleep in her own bed and Peter and I will never have sex again, you are wrong. She sleeps in her crib whenever I ask her to with no fuss. We love it. It's not for everyone, and our work situation certainly lends itself to it, but for us? It's the best part of my day.
What makes me happy is that Attachment Parenting is not about raising brats. It's not about children who learn that Mama says yes whenever they ask. Anyone who knows me knows I have some pretty strict boundaries with Bella. Probably too many, simply because she understands far too well. This is about acknowledging that I am the adult. I chose to have you, not the other way around. It's about questioning my motives. WHY do people obsess about sleeping through the night? It's not like I don't get the sleep deprivation thing, I do. (Seriously...Every. Twenty. Minutes.) But this is about asking myself if I am reacting to Bella out of love or selfishness. Do I put her first? God tells us that we should put others above ourselves, that we should serve them with love. He doesn't ask us to be doormats, but to be intentional in the way that we love and serve others. I think others includes my daughter. I teach her to respect me when I say no, because I am part of the foundation of how she will relate to God (oh my goodness) and I want her to be obedient to him. But I don't teach her to respect me because I'm embarrassed that she's defying my authority in the grocery store lineup and the perfect mom behind me is drilling holes into the back of my head with her judge-y eyes. (Oh - she shops at your grocery store too? Small world.) This is about my mindset. It's about where my head is at. It is about living in a way that is intentional, instead of in a way that is purely reactive. I suck at it on a pretty impressive level, if you were wondering. But I'd really, really like to learn. What's more important than this?
12:13 PM
I think it's interesting that you seem to expect people to think you're nuts for Attachment Parenting - when all of the things you say you did with your daughter I did NOT do, and found that everyone seemed to think I was crazy... Your friend is totally right though - you have to find what's right for you, whether something 'works' or not. I recently came across a comment from a mom who said it was her 'instinct' to 'such and such', and she was chastising some parenting method because it went against her instinct... and it struck me that my 'instinct' was totally opposite to hers - and the parenting method she was bashing just fit perfectly with what made sense to me. We are all different, and what one mom feels won't be the same as what another mom feels - and that HAS to be ok. Our kids are different, and they'll all turn out differently, and that's part of how our world is - we should embrace these things, and not worry too much about doing the 'right' thing... because I don't think such a thing really exists :)