I think so far, the absolute hardest thing about parenting is making decisions for your kids. It's not the tantrums, or the sleepless nights. Sorry if you're a new mom and you're sure this is the hardest thing you'll ever do - it's not. Maybe some mom with teenagers will read this and say it's something else, and maybe she'd be right. But for me, it's this profound and crushing truth: I have to make concrete decisions for how I raise my child. She will live with the consequences of those decisions forever, for far longer than she will live in my house. They will shape and mold the person she is, the person she thinks she can be. And I've never done this before and have no idea what I'm doing. I think today's day and age make it so much harder. Every parenting decision you can think of is posted on some form of social media and debated with such intensity that if you try and do any research on the subject at hand, you'll be so confused and so sure you're about to screw everything up that you'll give up in five minutes, beat your head against a wall, slam your laptop shut and run screaming for a hot bath and a glass of wine. On the other hand, can you seriously make these decisions simply based on how you feel? That seems like a dangerous precedent to set. So I sigh, open my laptop, and try again. I ask people I trust and love, whose children I like and think are being raised well. And I try to trust my gut. Which I'm terrible at.
Emma is coming in a few short weeks, and we have to figure out Bella's first year of kindergarten at about the same time. These are the thoughts that go through my head:
"It's over. My time with my baby is over, and from now on a school gets the best hours of her day, five days a week. I'm going to miss her so, so much."
"Oh my gosh, how amazing will it be to have the best hours of my day back? Think of the alone time with Emma."
"Is she ready for this? Have I prepared her in any way for this?"
"Do I believe in my heart that any five year old is ready to spend 30+ hours of their week away from their family? I hate spending more than 20 and I'm an adult."
"Am I being a rebellious brat because I don't like the thought of public school? I had a crap experience, am I projecting that on her?"
"If we don't put her in public school, then the obvious answer is homeschooling. Do I want to homeschool? DEAR LORD I CAN'T HOMESCHOOL! I'm not smart enough, or trained enough to do it. And I'll have a new baby at home! No. Can't do it."
It's this, and a million other things. It's wondering if I send her to school full time if I'll lose her in some way. It's wondering if I homeschool her it will change our relationship and I'll lose her in some way. Most of it is wondering what she would benefit from the most. Who is she? How do you possibly know that about someone who is four years old? I don't believe that public school is right for every kid. I don't believe that homeschooling is right for every kid. So at the end of the day, who is Bella? What would work best for her? What's the best possible choice for her, right now? And I mean, right now. Registration for kindergarten starts in less than a month, at exactly the same time I should be in a hospital giving birth. Awesome.
I don't want to debate the merits of homeschooling over public schooling. I don't want to hear that I'm going to raise her to be a sociopath who will never leave my house if I homeschool, or the horror stories of what happened to your kid in public school. I've heard them. There's benefits and draw backs to both. I get it. But at the end of the day, I need to make a decision. Right now.
So in a couple of hours we are going to visit a classroom that's run by Regent Online Christian Academy. If we chose this path, Bella would go to school in a classroom for one half-day per week, would be able to be in a weekly lesson of some kind (she'd like to learn to swim) and the rest would be done by me, at home. The Ministry of Education would consider her enrolled at Regent, not technically a homeschooled student. They'd pay for it. I would be assigned a teacher to oversee her education and make sure she is meeting the marks that she should. This makes me feel calmer, because I like the idea of the responsibility being slightly lifted off my shoulders in that respect. I also feel calmer that at the end of the day, it's just kindergarten. If it doesn't work, then maybe next year we put her in school. I'm not ready to commit to saying that I'm going to do this until she's done high school, but the more Peter and I have talked about it, prayed about it, and talked about it again, the more we don't think we're going to enroll her in public school this year. I talked to Bella's preschool teacher about it the other day, and she said she thought it was an excellent choice for her, which surprised me. I also talked to a teacher friend in the public school system and she said the same thing. It's what she would choose for her kids. So we're going to see what we think, chat with the teacher and a few parents and take a look.
More than anything, I want to make the best decision for her. Not what society thinks is the best decision for all kids, not what I'm necessarily the most comfortable with. Honestly, I'm not ready for any of it. Both options scare the pants off me for different reasons. How did we get here already? I want her to be a baby again, where the best method of getting her to sleep was the biggest decision I made. Actually, that's a lie. This is still less terrifying than the medical decisions we made for her. And we did it and she's okay - and we were totally lost then, with nobody to ask because nobody we'd known had done anything like that before. And we did it. Maybe, like another friend says, I need to stop second guessing myself as her mom and trust myself a little more. All those parenting books tell you that you need to trust your instincts, and I have a really hard time doing that. I'm too honest with myself about my failings. I know that a lot of times, I'm not to be trusted. And maybe I need to embrace that I'm not always going to choose exactly right, and that's okay too. That she will still learn from my failings and shortcomings and that God is not beyond using those parts of me that I like least to do something great in her. I pray that he does, and that somehow he shapes me into being the kind of parent he saw in me when he placed her inside me what feels like a second ago. That would be enough for me.
Emma is coming in a few short weeks, and we have to figure out Bella's first year of kindergarten at about the same time. These are the thoughts that go through my head:
"It's over. My time with my baby is over, and from now on a school gets the best hours of her day, five days a week. I'm going to miss her so, so much."
"Oh my gosh, how amazing will it be to have the best hours of my day back? Think of the alone time with Emma."
"Is she ready for this? Have I prepared her in any way for this?"
"Do I believe in my heart that any five year old is ready to spend 30+ hours of their week away from their family? I hate spending more than 20 and I'm an adult."
"Am I being a rebellious brat because I don't like the thought of public school? I had a crap experience, am I projecting that on her?"
"If we don't put her in public school, then the obvious answer is homeschooling. Do I want to homeschool? DEAR LORD I CAN'T HOMESCHOOL! I'm not smart enough, or trained enough to do it. And I'll have a new baby at home! No. Can't do it."
It's this, and a million other things. It's wondering if I send her to school full time if I'll lose her in some way. It's wondering if I homeschool her it will change our relationship and I'll lose her in some way. Most of it is wondering what she would benefit from the most. Who is she? How do you possibly know that about someone who is four years old? I don't believe that public school is right for every kid. I don't believe that homeschooling is right for every kid. So at the end of the day, who is Bella? What would work best for her? What's the best possible choice for her, right now? And I mean, right now. Registration for kindergarten starts in less than a month, at exactly the same time I should be in a hospital giving birth. Awesome.
I don't want to debate the merits of homeschooling over public schooling. I don't want to hear that I'm going to raise her to be a sociopath who will never leave my house if I homeschool, or the horror stories of what happened to your kid in public school. I've heard them. There's benefits and draw backs to both. I get it. But at the end of the day, I need to make a decision. Right now.
So in a couple of hours we are going to visit a classroom that's run by Regent Online Christian Academy. If we chose this path, Bella would go to school in a classroom for one half-day per week, would be able to be in a weekly lesson of some kind (she'd like to learn to swim) and the rest would be done by me, at home. The Ministry of Education would consider her enrolled at Regent, not technically a homeschooled student. They'd pay for it. I would be assigned a teacher to oversee her education and make sure she is meeting the marks that she should. This makes me feel calmer, because I like the idea of the responsibility being slightly lifted off my shoulders in that respect. I also feel calmer that at the end of the day, it's just kindergarten. If it doesn't work, then maybe next year we put her in school. I'm not ready to commit to saying that I'm going to do this until she's done high school, but the more Peter and I have talked about it, prayed about it, and talked about it again, the more we don't think we're going to enroll her in public school this year. I talked to Bella's preschool teacher about it the other day, and she said she thought it was an excellent choice for her, which surprised me. I also talked to a teacher friend in the public school system and she said the same thing. It's what she would choose for her kids. So we're going to see what we think, chat with the teacher and a few parents and take a look.
More than anything, I want to make the best decision for her. Not what society thinks is the best decision for all kids, not what I'm necessarily the most comfortable with. Honestly, I'm not ready for any of it. Both options scare the pants off me for different reasons. How did we get here already? I want her to be a baby again, where the best method of getting her to sleep was the biggest decision I made. Actually, that's a lie. This is still less terrifying than the medical decisions we made for her. And we did it and she's okay - and we were totally lost then, with nobody to ask because nobody we'd known had done anything like that before. And we did it. Maybe, like another friend says, I need to stop second guessing myself as her mom and trust myself a little more. All those parenting books tell you that you need to trust your instincts, and I have a really hard time doing that. I'm too honest with myself about my failings. I know that a lot of times, I'm not to be trusted. And maybe I need to embrace that I'm not always going to choose exactly right, and that's okay too. That she will still learn from my failings and shortcomings and that God is not beyond using those parts of me that I like least to do something great in her. I pray that he does, and that somehow he shapes me into being the kind of parent he saw in me when he placed her inside me what feels like a second ago. That would be enough for me.
3:57 PM
I think you're making the right decision. I would do the same.
Love you <3 <3