I am usually a pretty self aware person, and I tend to be fairly honest about my shortcomings (though there may be a slightly masochistic reason for that). I know myself very well, and though I don't often like what I see inside my head and heart, I'm not usually surprised by myself, if that makes any sense. I don't know that I've ever dealt with grief before, however, and this is entirely new territory for me. I don't like it here, not at all.My Grandpa doesn't want to live anymore. He's so sick and he's longing to go home to Jesus. I can't deal with that. My brain just will not do it. I get that he's nearing the end, and that it may be time. I don't want him to be sick anymore. I want him to be happy. I cannot say goodbye. I just can't.
When Peter's Grandma died, we were all so happy for her. That sounds strange, but she'd been away from her husband for 20 years and she was ready. The day she went, all I thought about was her and the love of her earthly life, meeting in a place where there are no tears, where goodbye doesn't exist any longer. I was happy for her.
This is different. They are together here. My Grandma and Grandpa have a love story that should be in a book. When Grandma met him, she was seven years old. It was love at first sight. She prayed every day, the one phrase that has taught me more about love than any other earthly example, "Jesus, make me into the kind of woman he will love." She prayed that for years and her and Grandpa have a love that is so strong that it amazes me sometimes to watch them together. These people know what love is. They live it together and they live it with their family.
When I'm with Grandpa, I never age. I stopped somewhere around four years old and even though he's met my husband, I still have always felt like a little girl around him. Peter once asked me about my parents divorce, and about not having a dad for all those years and he was so upset about the pain we went through then. I told him it was okay, it really was. God sent me other dads. I've never been without a strong male figure in my life. That's what my grandfather is to me. He's like my dad. He apologized to me a while back for something that happened when I was just a little, little girl. My mom had bought me a new dress that day and my grandparents were over for coffee. He was having coffee in the living room with my father and I rushed into my room, put on my new dress and ran into the room to show them how pretty I looked. I must have been less than five years old. I twirled around and then my father shouted at me to go away, and take off my dress, the adults were visiting, and I was to make myself scarce. My grandfather says that he never forgot the look on my face. And twenty years later her told me how sorry he was for not telling my father to shut up or "punching him in the face". I do not remember this day. I'm not sad about it, it's not an issue. It was to my Grandpa. But when he told me that story, sitting at my mom's table, shaking with Parkinson's disease, nearly blind and looking very old, he was ten feet tall to me. That hasn't changed. My heart sees him that way, even when my eyes see his health decline. Even when my ears hear stories about him that say strange things like "he's in the hospital, do you want to go say goodbye?" That's not true, it just can't be. This is the man that rides to the rescue of little girls in pink dresses, the man that loves his wife and his Saviour with a strength that seems super human. He's not actually sick. Not really.
People deal with grief differently they say. When his time comes, whether it's tomorrow or in five years Robyn will be at the funeral. She says she has to go. I can't do it. I can't see him like that. I can't go see him in the hospital. He's ten feet tall, for crying out loud - what hospital bed would hold such a big strong man? My heart has to believe that none of it is true, until it actually is. Until he's in Heaven and he looks to Jesus and the angels the way I've always seen him in my heart. I think that maybe then the peace will come.
9:14 PM
Oh Melanie. I'm crying right now. Unlike you, I don't really know myself all that well, but I think reading this really helped me solidify how I'm feeling right now. I feel the same as you, in a lot of ways. I'm having a really hard time accepting that... that he may be gone from this world any day now. Because it just doesn't seem like it could happen. It's silly, but I always thought that Grandpa could live forever, he's just that amazing. I don't know how I figured it was possible, but I thought that I would be able to take my kids to visit him, to show them this man that I am blessed to even know, much less be related to. I would grow old, and he would still always be there. Lately I've just been trying to avoid thinking about it, because I just don't want to believe it. Kyle told me that day my parents left, and I cried. Hard. I'm trying to accept that it's okay, he's ready to go home to God. And part of me has. I saw my nana (my mom's mom) sick with Alzheimer's. I saw her get to the point where she forgot everyone, including her daughter, and didn't do anything but sit in her wheelchair and stare at something we couldn't see. When she died, I cried a lot. But it was almost as though I had already lost her. For years, her mind wasn't there, SHE wasn't there. When she died, it was somewhat of a relief, because I knew she didn't have to live like that anymore, and she was going to be with her husband again. It's harder with Grandpa, because, for the most part, HE is still there, and Grandma is still here. It just doesn't seem fair. Maybe it will, but it doesn't right now.
10:36 AM
I LOVE this post Smell.
It's like what mom said, grandpa has been waiting his whole life to be home.
I am happy for him and sad for us.
I dont really know how to deal with this entire situation other then to think that it's not like i am saying good bye, just see you later.
12:27 PM
i know exactly what you're saying about grampa being 10 feet tall moni... and he still is. i had the privelege, no, the honor to spend the night with him last night. and i was anticipating it being super tough, to spend all night looking at his shell. at one point he woke up and was kind of aggitated. he kept on saying get me out of here, travis get me out of here. i asked him if i should pray for him, he of course said yes. he reached his hand up to hold mine. as i was trying to gain composure to pray for the man who had prayed for me everyday since i was born, i heard him start talking. a lot of what came out was mumbles, because his dentures were out, but i clearly heard a couple words. " God... Travis... really strong... love him..." Grampa prayed for me. i cried. and then i was calm. peace flooded the room. then i got to pray for him. i don't remember what i prayed, but when i was done, he said amen and squeezed my hand. i don't care how he looks, i don't care what any doctor says, that man is still a giant among men. i wish that you guys could all be closer, if not to be with grampa, then just to be surroundedby our amazing family. we love all of you, send hugs to everyone out there.
love trav
6:09 PM
Oh my goodness, Trav. He's the one sitting in the hospital, and he prays for you. I am just in complete awe of how amazing he is.
8:36 AM
Wow. Every word I shall type here shall be less than what it should be. It's hard losing someone who is a hero to you in so many ways, but sometimes that is the way it goes. He has a hero on the other side as well, whomever it is will wait til the end of time. Your grandfather wishes you all to have strength and courage in his place, that's why he prays even on his deathbed. Forever to him you will be that little girl in the pink dress, even though you grew up and married, and to you he will be forever this "10 foot man" even though time has taken him.
Only thing I can say is to do whatever you see as necessary and don't do what you feel you will regret years down the line.
10:04 PM
kami, your words are brilliant, i don't even know you, and i was touched, thank you
4:49 PM
Just so everyone knows, and doesn't think it's some completely random stranger, KamiAkai is my friend Jen from highschool. She's going to be the emcee at my wedding. She obviously saw one of Melanie's comments on my blog, was just taking a look and felt compelled to comment upon reading the post.
11:11 PM
well, i, for one, am glad she did