Dear Bella,
Oh little girl. What a ride we've been on, you and your daddy and me. We have all cried so many tears together, haven't we? Today, our wonderful doctor said that you are doing just amazingly and we are going to try and quit your medicine. I know right now you like it, you think it's fun to shake the bottle, and you love to play with your syringes. You even give your stuffed toys "meh-essin" sometimes. I wish I could tell you how sad that makes me. Baby girls should never know what those things are. They shouldn't know where medicine is kept, or what a syringe is used for, or how to comfort a toy who has to take medication. It's so cute, and it's still so sad.
You are such a brave and good little girl. I'm so happy that you don't remember the beginning days of this, and I'm praying with all my heart that we don't have to go back there. So I have you ask you a favor. Baby girl, Mama needs your tiny little body to be super tough right now. I need it to remember that we don't want that mark there anymore and that it needs to keep fighting it away even when the medicine is gone. I don't want any more rush trips to the hospital. I don't want to see your beautiful smile go still on one side. I can't. I don't want them to give you the really bad medicine that hurts your poor tummy and makes you a little crazy. Even more crazy than you normally are - can you believe it?!
Mama's going to be a bit funny these next few days. She's prayed for a really long time that we would be all done your medicine. I want to throw those syringes in the garbage. I can't tell you how badly I want to throw them away. I want to stop looking at your mark and wondering if it's looking better or worse. I want to see your body do what it's supposed to do, and that is to keep you healthy and safe. I'm a little bit scared, did you know that? I hate feeling like I'm gambling with you, but that's what we have to do. The only way to know if you don't need the medicine is to just take you off and see, and I don't like that very much.
Here is what I do like: I like that you are the happiest and smartest and prettiest little girl there is. I like that you and Daddy and me are a family. I like how today in the car out of nowhere you said, "I miss you, Tasha!" It's true- we didn't watch any Backyardigans today. I can see how you'd miss her. I like your "cheesy smile" and the way your giggle sounds. I like all your little words, and your dancing and how much you love shoes and make up and books. You're amazing. You're such a good girl, and we're so close to being done, and when we are all done, your Mama is going to throw you a party and invite all your friends. Six weeks baby girl. Six weeks and then we're done.
I love you more than you will ever know, sweetheart. I'm so lucky to have you. So lucky.
Mommy.
xoxox
Oh little girl. What a ride we've been on, you and your daddy and me. We have all cried so many tears together, haven't we? Today, our wonderful doctor said that you are doing just amazingly and we are going to try and quit your medicine. I know right now you like it, you think it's fun to shake the bottle, and you love to play with your syringes. You even give your stuffed toys "meh-essin" sometimes. I wish I could tell you how sad that makes me. Baby girls should never know what those things are. They shouldn't know where medicine is kept, or what a syringe is used for, or how to comfort a toy who has to take medication. It's so cute, and it's still so sad.
You are such a brave and good little girl. I'm so happy that you don't remember the beginning days of this, and I'm praying with all my heart that we don't have to go back there. So I have you ask you a favor. Baby girl, Mama needs your tiny little body to be super tough right now. I need it to remember that we don't want that mark there anymore and that it needs to keep fighting it away even when the medicine is gone. I don't want any more rush trips to the hospital. I don't want to see your beautiful smile go still on one side. I can't. I don't want them to give you the really bad medicine that hurts your poor tummy and makes you a little crazy. Even more crazy than you normally are - can you believe it?!
Mama's going to be a bit funny these next few days. She's prayed for a really long time that we would be all done your medicine. I want to throw those syringes in the garbage. I can't tell you how badly I want to throw them away. I want to stop looking at your mark and wondering if it's looking better or worse. I want to see your body do what it's supposed to do, and that is to keep you healthy and safe. I'm a little bit scared, did you know that? I hate feeling like I'm gambling with you, but that's what we have to do. The only way to know if you don't need the medicine is to just take you off and see, and I don't like that very much.
Here is what I do like: I like that you are the happiest and smartest and prettiest little girl there is. I like that you and Daddy and me are a family. I like how today in the car out of nowhere you said, "I miss you, Tasha!" It's true- we didn't watch any Backyardigans today. I can see how you'd miss her. I like your "cheesy smile" and the way your giggle sounds. I like all your little words, and your dancing and how much you love shoes and make up and books. You're amazing. You're such a good girl, and we're so close to being done, and when we are all done, your Mama is going to throw you a party and invite all your friends. Six weeks baby girl. Six weeks and then we're done.
I love you more than you will ever know, sweetheart. I'm so lucky to have you. So lucky.
Mommy.
xoxox
8:17 AM
I am choking back tears reading this on the bus. Melanie, you really are the most amazing mother. I want more than anything for Bella to not have to be on that medicine anymore, either. I want you just to enjoy her and not have to worry about that anymore. Bella is incredible, and I can't help but believe that she will do amazing without any more medicine or hospital visits. I love you and your sweet little family.
2:47 PM
Thanks Carrie - we love you too :) So far, so good. Mark looks about the same, and I think she's starting to get annoyed when I keep checking it. She's starting to shove my hand away from her head...