I've been thinking lately. Note - Yes, this is going to be long - I'm processing something, I can't do that quickly as you may have noticed. We went up to Casper Mountain and did that music festival in this beautiful little mountain meadow. I had a good time. It's on dvd somewhere, which I have no desire to see, since I hate video of myself and the guy with the camera "loved the way my face looked when I worshipped". I don't want to know. Anyway, we were up there, having a good time, and even singing a worship song Peter wrote (beautiful), and I got to thinking...I love the way worshipping God feels. I think it's amazing that we're commanded to do something that so fills our soul. I don't know anyone who doesn't usually enjoy the worship part of church more than the sermon. Here's my question: So what?I heard once, that God is far more concerned with our wholeness that our happiness. I like that...that's not true. I hate it, I don't understand it. God will give us pleasure in doing his will, but that's a gift. It's not to be expected. The thing that Christianity offers that no other religion does, is that our God is both Holy and Personal. Big and Good, as someone once phrased it to me. I don't think that we in the western world understand very much about the Big. The Holy. Asia has it down, they don't know a personal God. We have a Personal God who, I hate to say, we very rarely revere. Look at a lot of our worship songs versus a lot of old hymns. We've lost a lot of the holiness, the majesty of a creator King, who has many facets. What we know of him is true, it's good, and the world, especially Asia, needs it.
But what I've been challenged with lately, is worshipping God for who he is, not just who he is to me. This goes against everything my society teaches:
Every single thing you own or buy or love must be relevant to you. "Your life will be more enjoyable if you buy this" or worse "I love him because he makes me feel like this". Nothing anymore, seems to have any worth simply for what it is. We want, I usually want, a cookie cutter, microwave dinner version of God.
" I want your love as the main course with answered prayer as desert (answered, of course, the way I would like). I would like it ready in three minutes and to eat it while I watch a movie." I want to feel good about having regular quiet times. I'm not looking for a challenge unless it's something I can easily overcome, and thus feel better about my Christian journey. I'm growing. Good for me. God's holiness makes me nervous, and his conviction makes me uncomfortable. I don't understand the "God who thunders over the waters", so I will just take my "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirt and be on my way, thanks.
And by the way, what a good Christian I am for wearing it, and thus, witnessing! Do we have a merit badge here somewhere? Seriously.
I am guilty of this. God is very patient with me. I still feel good about my quiet time, I love to worship, and how it makes me feel. How amazing is it that while I would totally ignore a part of God's character, he would still bless me with joy in the small sliver of him that I am comfortable dealing with daily? He really is personal and wonderful to us. I don't like that I take it for granted. God feels distant and I cry like a little girl, angry that I'm being "ignored". Again, who cares? Why not pray, "God, is there something you're trying to teach me here? Am I going through this difficult time where you feel so distant in order that you actually draw me closer? Is it possible that I'm not getting a raw deal, but that you trust me enough to allow this, knowing I will make it and honor you?" I'm terrible at this. Why would I honor God with my struggle when I can be happy just worshipping and reading psalms? (Not Job, he challenges me to change). I'm grateful that He's patient with me. I'm (and everything in me revolts at saying this) grateful that God would trust me enough to let me struggle. He wouldn't do it if he knew I couldn't take it.
I had a really bad week last week. I cried non-stop. I couldn't tell you why I was sad, I could tell you that God had abandoned me and I couldn't take it. He felt holy all right. Holy and distant and vague. I was scared. I considered anti-depressants. Nothing made me happy, everything made me feel weak and small and sad, just plain sad. I felt frantic and panicked. See, my issue with God is I think the bottom is going to drop out. All the time. I think it with Peter and most people I love. This is great for now, but it can't last, nothing does. I then screw things up so that I'm right. God doesn't care. Trust me, I've tested it, with nearly disastrous results. I've been learning to change this about me. That the core beliefs I formed as a child and carried into adulthood are simply false. They need to be changed. I'm afraid more than anything, a lot of the time. God is working on this with me, and last week, he believed that I had come far enough that he could leave me a little while, and see how I did - with very good reason. I freaked out for three solid days, scaring Peter half to death, and then came back to Jesus, confessed that I was a cry-baby scaredy-pants, and that he was Holy, and that his character was true, regardless of wheather I understood it. He showed me that I had been very wrong and not extended forgiveness for somthing that I was being a total jerk about. I dealt with it. I recovered. I feel a little stronger than I did two weeks ago, though a little shaken and sheepish. It's okay. It's going to be tough sometimes. "God disciplines those he loves". I don't get it, I don't know what he's up to, though I desperately want to, it's not important. He is who he says he is no matter how I feel about it.
I want this part of God. I want him to trust me enough to reveal it to me. I want to trust his character so that the next time I need a little discipline from my heavenly Father, I'm not going to believe that he's abandoned me. He's not going to do that, but he's also not going to let me keep my cookie cutter version of him either. "Take it or leave it Mellie, this is who I am. You can trust it, you're going to need to trust it". No more microwave dinners for me.
10:28 AM
Great post Mel. What more can I say. I hope you are feeling better this week. Love you lots.
9:17 PM
Wow, GREAT post, Mel. I also hope that you feel better soon.
11:22 PM
We are all human, and feel weak and abandoned at times. Trusting that God will always be there is comforting.