This is a long one folks, but if you're reading this, it's meant for you, so read on, if you like.
I am the queen of sticking my foot in my mouth. Do it all the time. When I was about 10 or so, we went to this rich persons house (some business thing for dad maybe?) and they had the most interesting accent. Couldn't put my foot on it...then she asked me how I liked school, and I went on a long rant about liking school except French. Don't know why we have to learn French and on and on...Remember the accent I couldn't place? You know the rest. I'm an idiot sometimes. I do this often. I don't mean to. I'm trying to get better, but this is just a funny thing about me. I don't like it, it gets me into trouble, I'm trying to change. What else can you do?
I had this friend when I got out of high school, and she'd had a rough past, really rough, and a lot of issues. She kind of took her own issues and projected them. She, like every girl, had issues with her body, and so constantly attacked mine, in a rather rude way sometimes, even if she didn't mean it to be that way. I felt bad for her, so I never brought up the way it kind of hurt my feelings. She didn't need that. But it grated on me, and hurt, and we never really were the kind of friends I would have hoped we would be. For this reason. I couldn't relax around her. Some days I'm too pushy, too outspoken, sometimes I hurt people's feelings without meaning to. I can promise any of those people, that I hate it more than they do. It's embarassing. But it is a little part of me. A part I don't like? Yes. A part that I apologize for, if you've encountered it? Absolutely. A part that I am changing? You betcha. Give me some time, it's gonna take a while...
But with my friend, I could never let my guard down long enough for that to happen. I walked on eggshells with her, and I wonder sometimes, if that isn't worse? I don't think that people have to watch what they say around me. I'm pretty good at hearing people. Most of the time...
I think, the measure of a true friend, or the measure of true family, is the ability to freak out, say things you don't mean, be human and have it all be okay the next day. I have a few friends like this, a precious few, and I think I may write them or call them today and tell them how much I love them for this gift they give me. This benefit, as the case may be. I want to be able to act out sometimes, and have someone, anyone, see that action and say "Hey, that's not the Melanie I know. I know that she would never do this if she knew it would hurt me." or say "She means to hurt me, she's upset, she's hurt herself, and she's lashing out, and I'm not going to react to that. I'm going to react to what I know to be true about her."
I don't do this enough for others. I can see some idiot on the highway go flying by us at a completely unreasonable speed, and think, "maybe his wife is in the backseat, in labour, and they're trying to get to the hospital". I have a harder time doing it with people I know and love. I want to be this person to my friends and family. And I want to be able to have this extended back to me. I'm sorry, if ever, I've said anything to you in passing, that hurt you. I didn't mean it. If I did mean it, I'm sorry, I'm human, I'm growing and sometimes I'm annoying and loud and I lash out when I should take a minute, shut up, and pray and get my act together.
My husband embodies this for me. I'm blessed for every day we spend together. He just knows me. I can't explain it better than that. I can freak out, it's okay. He knows that when I react, sometimes I just react. I can't help it, I hate it, and he almost never gets down on my level to battle me when I'm hurt or angry or upset. He knows to ignore me when I'm crying sometimes, that it may not mean anything, so don't make me explain. If I upset him when I'm angry at something else, or say something I don't mean, he knows how to wait, tell me later, and be completely forgiving before I'd ever even know to say I'm sorry. And we never ever joke about something we're actually upset about. It's mean, it never works, and it's a poor excuse to get your point across without having a conversation. We don't allow it. It's up there in our marriage rules with not going to bed mad, or folding towels a certain way.
I wish I could sit down for coffee with everyone I know and just say this: I don't mean to be the way I am sometimes. I hate how human I am. I'd be the perfect friend, sister, daughter, wife, granddaughter, cousin, auntie, if only I had it in my power. In the meantime though, could you give me the benefit of the doubt? We'll probably fight sometime in the future, if you're my sister, we may fight before the day is out, but no matter what happens, know this:
I would be perfect for you if I could. You're important to me. I hate the things I can say and do more than they may hurt you. I'm sorry already. Know that I love you first, and everything else you may perceive about me is less true than that one thing. And I have no problem with changing myself. And God has no problem at all with changing who I am. He's not really all that concerned with how I view my identity outside of him. So give me the benefit of the doubt, or just try to, and that's enough for me. I promise I'll try to do the same.
I am the queen of sticking my foot in my mouth. Do it all the time. When I was about 10 or so, we went to this rich persons house (some business thing for dad maybe?) and they had the most interesting accent. Couldn't put my foot on it...then she asked me how I liked school, and I went on a long rant about liking school except French. Don't know why we have to learn French and on and on...Remember the accent I couldn't place? You know the rest. I'm an idiot sometimes. I do this often. I don't mean to. I'm trying to get better, but this is just a funny thing about me. I don't like it, it gets me into trouble, I'm trying to change. What else can you do?
I had this friend when I got out of high school, and she'd had a rough past, really rough, and a lot of issues. She kind of took her own issues and projected them. She, like every girl, had issues with her body, and so constantly attacked mine, in a rather rude way sometimes, even if she didn't mean it to be that way. I felt bad for her, so I never brought up the way it kind of hurt my feelings. She didn't need that. But it grated on me, and hurt, and we never really were the kind of friends I would have hoped we would be. For this reason. I couldn't relax around her. Some days I'm too pushy, too outspoken, sometimes I hurt people's feelings without meaning to. I can promise any of those people, that I hate it more than they do. It's embarassing. But it is a little part of me. A part I don't like? Yes. A part that I apologize for, if you've encountered it? Absolutely. A part that I am changing? You betcha. Give me some time, it's gonna take a while...
But with my friend, I could never let my guard down long enough for that to happen. I walked on eggshells with her, and I wonder sometimes, if that isn't worse? I don't think that people have to watch what they say around me. I'm pretty good at hearing people. Most of the time...
I think, the measure of a true friend, or the measure of true family, is the ability to freak out, say things you don't mean, be human and have it all be okay the next day. I have a few friends like this, a precious few, and I think I may write them or call them today and tell them how much I love them for this gift they give me. This benefit, as the case may be. I want to be able to act out sometimes, and have someone, anyone, see that action and say "Hey, that's not the Melanie I know. I know that she would never do this if she knew it would hurt me." or say "She means to hurt me, she's upset, she's hurt herself, and she's lashing out, and I'm not going to react to that. I'm going to react to what I know to be true about her."
I don't do this enough for others. I can see some idiot on the highway go flying by us at a completely unreasonable speed, and think, "maybe his wife is in the backseat, in labour, and they're trying to get to the hospital". I have a harder time doing it with people I know and love. I want to be this person to my friends and family. And I want to be able to have this extended back to me. I'm sorry, if ever, I've said anything to you in passing, that hurt you. I didn't mean it. If I did mean it, I'm sorry, I'm human, I'm growing and sometimes I'm annoying and loud and I lash out when I should take a minute, shut up, and pray and get my act together.
My husband embodies this for me. I'm blessed for every day we spend together. He just knows me. I can't explain it better than that. I can freak out, it's okay. He knows that when I react, sometimes I just react. I can't help it, I hate it, and he almost never gets down on my level to battle me when I'm hurt or angry or upset. He knows to ignore me when I'm crying sometimes, that it may not mean anything, so don't make me explain. If I upset him when I'm angry at something else, or say something I don't mean, he knows how to wait, tell me later, and be completely forgiving before I'd ever even know to say I'm sorry. And we never ever joke about something we're actually upset about. It's mean, it never works, and it's a poor excuse to get your point across without having a conversation. We don't allow it. It's up there in our marriage rules with not going to bed mad, or folding towels a certain way.
I wish I could sit down for coffee with everyone I know and just say this: I don't mean to be the way I am sometimes. I hate how human I am. I'd be the perfect friend, sister, daughter, wife, granddaughter, cousin, auntie, if only I had it in my power. In the meantime though, could you give me the benefit of the doubt? We'll probably fight sometime in the future, if you're my sister, we may fight before the day is out, but no matter what happens, know this:
I would be perfect for you if I could. You're important to me. I hate the things I can say and do more than they may hurt you. I'm sorry already. Know that I love you first, and everything else you may perceive about me is less true than that one thing. And I have no problem with changing myself. And God has no problem at all with changing who I am. He's not really all that concerned with how I view my identity outside of him. So give me the benefit of the doubt, or just try to, and that's enough for me. I promise I'll try to do the same.
5:50 PM
I love this post Mel and I love you too. You are perfect the way you are. I can't imagine you being a different you. God created you the way you are and yes we are all able to change but don't change too much. :) I love you just the way you are. You are a wonderful, warm, caring person and yes we all have faults and things we would love to change. We are not perfect nor will we ever be. I feel the same as you about needing grace and extending it myself. I think we could all learn to be a little more gracious to one another. I think if we all did that, there may not be as much of a need for any of us to change so much.
11:13 PM
At Christmas one year I asked Lisa where her husband was... Why wasn't he there with her? Uhhh... because we're getting a divorce? Oh. That was my worst ever. Still makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
7:53 AM
Ok Mel. Now I have to dry my eyes in between typing. Your Mom is right. Don't change too much. We all need to allow God to work in us and make us better people, but we are essentially how He created us. Thank you for your thought provoking post.
10:05 AM
I agree, Melanie. *nods at you knowingly* I think you're a wonderful person, really. I know that, in a lot of ways, we're quite similar, and therefore think I know when to take you seriously, and when not to. I know that you would never say anything intentionally to hurt me or anyone else, and even if I do at first, I just need to stand back anddidn't mean for it to sound like that, or she really doesn't mean it at all. I'll always try to give you the benefit of the doubt, Mel, and I hope you can do the same for me. :)
2:01 PM
Hey Mel,
That was a great post:) I understand what you mean. The other day I was very upset with someone for something they had said (Don't worry it wasen't you). Anyway I had to realize that they didn't mean it or even realize what they had said. They were upset at the time and I had to let it go and not hold it against them. I heard someone in YWAM say something that always stuck in my mind, 'You have the choice whether or not to be offended'. I think really it just comes down to what mom had said, we all need to learn to have a little more grace for each other.
Thanks for being so open with your thoughts Mel. I love reading your blog.
2:21 PM
Lovely post Mel. I love the honesty and openness in your posts. I think that's why your blog is my favourite. (Not to sat that I don't like everyone elses, of course...) It's just very encouraging to 'witness' someones growth in area's that everyone struggles with. It is easier most times to have grace for strangers than for the people who are always a part of your life. While helping me with the wedding, my mom one day confessed to us all that she has lost most of her grace for us kids, now that's she's been away from us and we're supposed to be all grown up, etc. LOL But funny enough we got along better most of the time this time around than we have before. Maybe I am growing too. I can only hope. :) You're a great gal Mel, and a great sister (in law) too. :) Good luck to you, and to all of us, as we are slowly worked on by the Potter's hands. :)
1:22 PM
I love your posts too. I can't think of one person I have met in my life who is perfect.