I'm so angry and hurt and surprised that I almost don't know where to leave myself. Um, brain zaps anyone? I've got more than my fair share today. I feel like I'm being electrocuted from the inside out. Being this upset doesn't help. I'd kill for a glass of wine if I knew it would make me feel better.
Today we had to meet with our doctor (the one who put me on 300mg Effexor and 100mg Sertraline). We told him we wanted to approach my health through more natural means, and that although at the time I didn't realize it my husband and family had noticed FAR more negative side effects to the medications than they've seen benefits. We said it as nicely as possible, that we'd made the decision as a couple and that we would like to start weaning off the medication. He asked for a scenario in which since being on medication I have acted totally uncharacteristic to myself.
Shortly after going on meds, I had to leave my husband for a week on a trip he was unable get time off for. I know it's sappy but we hate being apart. Even overnight. We usually laugh at each other about it. Just before leaving I told him that I wasn't sad to not see him, didn't think I'd miss him, and if that was how I was going to feel, we may as well get divorced.
When we told the doctor this today he said that it's not normal to not want to be alone and that I had separation anxiety and that it was just further proof that I was on the correct road - the hell of addiction. Nice.
I said, "but that's who I am! I always miss him. He's my husband, I love him, I don't like to be away from him."
"That's not your personality!" was his emphatic reply. His first act as my doctor was to put me on medication, and now he knows my personality? Enough to tell my husband who I am?! I'm furious.
The appointment digressed from there. We said that I was never depressed (true) and didn't understand the high dose. He said the dose wasn't high, it was therapeutic. Lie. We asked about the negative side effects that can be caused by mixing Sertraline and Effexor. He said they were monitoring me. Lie. I saw him last on Jan 5th. Before that, every month. He's never so much as taken my blood pressure. I was also never made aware of the risk. I was told nothing about Sertraline but that it would help me sleep. In the end, he wrote me a tapering prescription for now so I don't have to worry about my meds drying up and going cold turkey in six days. He thinks I'm chemically messed up but he can't make me take the meds.
How do you deal with this? Other than getting a new doctor of course. Thank God my rational husband was there. He was angry but held it in until the car. If I'd been alone, I'd have slapped him. He'd have deserved it. I need to interview doctors. I need an ally over here, but I have NO idea where to start. Thoughts??
This is what the medical community believes, isn't it? They're so used to having answers that they have no idea how to be wrong. I'm broken and thank God they are there to fix me. Thank God for the pharmaceutical companies that have exactly the right medication to fix who I am.
I just found Point of Return last week. Just found out I was addicted last week. Just found out everything I was taking and what it does. I don't know a lot. I've never been to medical school in my life, I failed biology. But I AM the expert on who I am. And I am not broken.
Today we had to meet with our doctor (the one who put me on 300mg Effexor and 100mg Sertraline). We told him we wanted to approach my health through more natural means, and that although at the time I didn't realize it my husband and family had noticed FAR more negative side effects to the medications than they've seen benefits. We said it as nicely as possible, that we'd made the decision as a couple and that we would like to start weaning off the medication. He asked for a scenario in which since being on medication I have acted totally uncharacteristic to myself.
Shortly after going on meds, I had to leave my husband for a week on a trip he was unable get time off for. I know it's sappy but we hate being apart. Even overnight. We usually laugh at each other about it. Just before leaving I told him that I wasn't sad to not see him, didn't think I'd miss him, and if that was how I was going to feel, we may as well get divorced.
When we told the doctor this today he said that it's not normal to not want to be alone and that I had separation anxiety and that it was just further proof that I was on the correct road - the hell of addiction. Nice.
I said, "but that's who I am! I always miss him. He's my husband, I love him, I don't like to be away from him."
"That's not your personality!" was his emphatic reply. His first act as my doctor was to put me on medication, and now he knows my personality? Enough to tell my husband who I am?! I'm furious.
The appointment digressed from there. We said that I was never depressed (true) and didn't understand the high dose. He said the dose wasn't high, it was therapeutic. Lie. We asked about the negative side effects that can be caused by mixing Sertraline and Effexor. He said they were monitoring me. Lie. I saw him last on Jan 5th. Before that, every month. He's never so much as taken my blood pressure. I was also never made aware of the risk. I was told nothing about Sertraline but that it would help me sleep. In the end, he wrote me a tapering prescription for now so I don't have to worry about my meds drying up and going cold turkey in six days. He thinks I'm chemically messed up but he can't make me take the meds.
How do you deal with this? Other than getting a new doctor of course. Thank God my rational husband was there. He was angry but held it in until the car. If I'd been alone, I'd have slapped him. He'd have deserved it. I need to interview doctors. I need an ally over here, but I have NO idea where to start. Thoughts??
This is what the medical community believes, isn't it? They're so used to having answers that they have no idea how to be wrong. I'm broken and thank God they are there to fix me. Thank God for the pharmaceutical companies that have exactly the right medication to fix who I am.
I just found Point of Return last week. Just found out I was addicted last week. Just found out everything I was taking and what it does. I don't know a lot. I've never been to medical school in my life, I failed biology. But I AM the expert on who I am. And I am not broken.
3:57 PM
Ohhhhh man, are you getting those brain zaps again today? Goodness sakes, Melanie. Why in the HECK did he keep pushing that you needed the pills?! Augh. I have noticed a change in you, too. There was a time at Christmas where you said something that completely surprised me, and seemed totally out of character for you.
I wish I knew HOW to get a good doctor. Mine is really good; she was extremely sympathetic and completely understood that I didn't want to be on medication.
I am so glad and proud of you for getting off the medication. Seriously, call me if you need anything. Even someone to talk to. Or text. :)
4:43 PM
The brain zaps are not the worst. I am beginning to absolutely hate hearing, "this one time you..."
I'm sorry for whatever I said at Christmas. Please don't tell me what it was. I didn't mean it.
I got all my supplements today, that are supposed to make the withdrawal symptoms go away and help me sleep and relax a little more. I'm home with Peter and Bella and cooking dinner (whole wheat, organic) and going to relax tonight. Not doing anything tomorrow, what's your schooling look like?
9:59 PM
Oh Mel! I'm so sorry you're going through this! But I am glad that you know what's going on and that you're taking the right steps to get where you need to be! You definitely are not broken!
9:12 PM
Hey Just thought I'd see how you were doing. Hope the withdrawal symptoms are diminishing. Thinking of and praying for you! Love you!
9:45 AM
Bleck. I can't imagine. I'm on 25mg of mine and if I forget it for a day I feel like I'm losing it. I can't imagine coming off a dosage of ten times that.
I also can't imagine because my doctor is SO careful and explains (sometimes over-explains) everything so well... Although, he didn't warn me of withdrawal symptoms, I had to look that up on the internet too. Ah, the internet, where would we be?
Keep us posted hey? That's some freaky-deaky stuff your dealing with. Hang in there.
2:30 PM
It's going ok. The withdrawals suck. I want to be done. I want to slap my doctor. I'm so mad. I can't stop being so so angry. I have a taper program for the Effexor that I start tomorrow. 10-15% off the original dose until the last two drops - those are supposed to be 5% drops, just to be nice to my nervous system. I'm jumpy still from quitting the Zoloft so fast but I'm holding my own. Peter is amazing. I can't multi-task right now, even making dinner is hard because doing more than one thing at once makes me nervous. I over cooked asparagus the other night and melted down. I forgot about it while messing up the rest of dinner :) it's maddening to not be able to do things I feel like I should be able to do.
I need a doctor. Badly. I have three weeks of pills left. Doctor Fix It decided I could wean super quickly so won't write me a prescription for more. I wonder if he's punishing me for being more educated regarding my 'condition' than he is. Trying to make me withdraw. I wouldn't put it past him. What a jerk. Anyway, my taper is supposed to last eight weeks, not three or four.
Becky, if you ever want to come off, call these people. Spend the money and get the vitamins- they help HUGELY. if I hadn't found them I would have tried and it would have been awful and I'd have been on forever. They even have a little 'relax' vitamin. I thought it was hooey but it came with my package and is actually really helpful. So is the sleep stuff. If only I could just take that until my 8 weeks were up.
IN GOOD NEWS
Bella is doing great so far with her med drop- poor Peter with his addict girls. The 25th we try going medicine free for the first time. I'm so scared and excited. PRAY this goes well for us.
The people at Point of Return have been doing years of research on glutathione (google it) and its benefits. There is early research that shows that taking large quantities while pregnant could help with me not getting Cholestasis again if we decide to have another baby (jury is still out). In bad news, I hate the taste if it.
Just a few zaps today, and I'm watching three babies - so that's huge progress. No panic or anger or jumpiness. I'll keep you posted. Love you guys, thanks for all the love. I feel a little like Luc when he said the other day, "I'm stuck.... In my life." oh man. That kid.