I had the unspeakable joy of experiencing my first brain zap today. I remember my reaction upon reading those words for the first time. I believe my exact question was, "what in hell is a brain zap?!"
It's more or less exactly what it sounds like. As I grew up on a farm, all I could say is that it felt like someone places a piece of electric fence right at the base of my skull. Zap. My vision blurred for a second and then cleared. I don't know if I could say that it hurt per se. I've had a pretty persistent headache for days now so it aggravated that. Then I proceeded to have about 15 more in the space of about thirty minutes. Zap. Zap. Zap. I can imagine how people would be unable to go to work. I could barely concentrate on pushing my stroller around WalMart. I kept bumping into things. I was suddenly terrified to drive, wondering if one of them lasted longer than a second, if I'd black out. I'm sorry to say I was too embarrassed to call my parents, I'd been crying on my mother's already burdened shoulders enough that day. I got in the car, the cold air in my face helped, and drove to get Peter. Stopped for a red light. Zap.
By the time he got into the car I was crying and so incredibly tired I thought I could sleep for a month. I was so hoping that those last 50mg of Sertraline wouldn't make a difference either way. But because they negatively affect my Effexor, I'm being cautioned that this may be the hardest part of the weaning process but also the most important. Taking them together greatly increases my chances of getting Serotonin Syndrome.I just couldn't keep taking a risk like that. It's not just me. I belong to a lot of people, who I'm learning now feel like I've already been gone a LOT during these last seven months. I took my last dose on Friday, so we've now hit about 72 hours. They say most withdrawal symptoms are gone or greatly lessened in about a week. Four more days.
I've also found a new doctor, and have an appointment two days from now. Part of me wants to yell at my doctor but I know that's really misdirected anger as well. It's pharmaceutical companies. They are who tell the doctors how safe it is, how wonderfully helpful. Here is what I have learned as fact through some pretty solid research lately. I'm living on my laptop right now.
-Adverse reactions to prescription medication is the number four killer in the USA. Not overdoses. Reactions.
-It is impossible as a doctor, especially a GP to know the ins and outs of every medication. Mine never showed me a sheet of paper regarding the ones he prescribed. He had no idea that it raises blood pressure, and thus never monitored mine. He didn't know that doses need to be tapered upward just as slowly as downward. He didn't know that prescribing the Sertraline could actually poison my brain. How could he? Who can learn that much off the top of his head? Eight years of school is not enough. However, both he and I had a responsibility to check. He also had a responsibility to realize that the drugs are mood altering, so following my progress based on how I say I'm feeling, is a pretty poor way to gauge the situation.
-Doctors define addictions primary symptom as being the intense, overwhelming desire to have more. If the drug doesn't cause that the way, say, heroin does, then you are not addicted. The excruciating and sometimes fatal physical withdrawal symptoms are called simply that. You have withdrawal syndrome. Not addiction. As I am not emotionally addicted to my medication, quite the opposite, I am therefore not addictive, and the medicine is classified as non-addictive. When you take something you need to be SO clear on asking if there are withdrawal symptoms and what they are.
I've spent days crying already. I have heard stories of things I have said to Peter that I do not remember. I have been told that I blatantly lied to my mother, and was hideously rude to her on a number of occasions. My memory of these occasions is blurry at best, mostly not there at all, sometimes totally inaccurate, though clear to me. Peter is devastated that he didn't check closer. We blindly trusted, and won't ever make the same mistake again.
Let me tell you something though. When both Bella and I are medicine free, we are throwing one heck of a party. Peter will be getting a trophy. Bella will get presents, and I will get to see their smiling faces and have a clear, perfect memory of a perfect day. That day wasn't today, but tomorrow's coming.
It's more or less exactly what it sounds like. As I grew up on a farm, all I could say is that it felt like someone places a piece of electric fence right at the base of my skull. Zap. My vision blurred for a second and then cleared. I don't know if I could say that it hurt per se. I've had a pretty persistent headache for days now so it aggravated that. Then I proceeded to have about 15 more in the space of about thirty minutes. Zap. Zap. Zap. I can imagine how people would be unable to go to work. I could barely concentrate on pushing my stroller around WalMart. I kept bumping into things. I was suddenly terrified to drive, wondering if one of them lasted longer than a second, if I'd black out. I'm sorry to say I was too embarrassed to call my parents, I'd been crying on my mother's already burdened shoulders enough that day. I got in the car, the cold air in my face helped, and drove to get Peter. Stopped for a red light. Zap.
By the time he got into the car I was crying and so incredibly tired I thought I could sleep for a month. I was so hoping that those last 50mg of Sertraline wouldn't make a difference either way. But because they negatively affect my Effexor, I'm being cautioned that this may be the hardest part of the weaning process but also the most important. Taking them together greatly increases my chances of getting Serotonin Syndrome.I just couldn't keep taking a risk like that. It's not just me. I belong to a lot of people, who I'm learning now feel like I've already been gone a LOT during these last seven months. I took my last dose on Friday, so we've now hit about 72 hours. They say most withdrawal symptoms are gone or greatly lessened in about a week. Four more days.
I've also found a new doctor, and have an appointment two days from now. Part of me wants to yell at my doctor but I know that's really misdirected anger as well. It's pharmaceutical companies. They are who tell the doctors how safe it is, how wonderfully helpful. Here is what I have learned as fact through some pretty solid research lately. I'm living on my laptop right now.
-Adverse reactions to prescription medication is the number four killer in the USA. Not overdoses. Reactions.
-It is impossible as a doctor, especially a GP to know the ins and outs of every medication. Mine never showed me a sheet of paper regarding the ones he prescribed. He had no idea that it raises blood pressure, and thus never monitored mine. He didn't know that doses need to be tapered upward just as slowly as downward. He didn't know that prescribing the Sertraline could actually poison my brain. How could he? Who can learn that much off the top of his head? Eight years of school is not enough. However, both he and I had a responsibility to check. He also had a responsibility to realize that the drugs are mood altering, so following my progress based on how I say I'm feeling, is a pretty poor way to gauge the situation.
-Doctors define addictions primary symptom as being the intense, overwhelming desire to have more. If the drug doesn't cause that the way, say, heroin does, then you are not addicted. The excruciating and sometimes fatal physical withdrawal symptoms are called simply that. You have withdrawal syndrome. Not addiction. As I am not emotionally addicted to my medication, quite the opposite, I am therefore not addictive, and the medicine is classified as non-addictive. When you take something you need to be SO clear on asking if there are withdrawal symptoms and what they are.
I've spent days crying already. I have heard stories of things I have said to Peter that I do not remember. I have been told that I blatantly lied to my mother, and was hideously rude to her on a number of occasions. My memory of these occasions is blurry at best, mostly not there at all, sometimes totally inaccurate, though clear to me. Peter is devastated that he didn't check closer. We blindly trusted, and won't ever make the same mistake again.
Let me tell you something though. When both Bella and I are medicine free, we are throwing one heck of a party. Peter will be getting a trophy. Bella will get presents, and I will get to see their smiling faces and have a clear, perfect memory of a perfect day. That day wasn't today, but tomorrow's coming.
