bewildered by grace

Crazy Times

9.06.2006 12:06 PM 11 2009 Melanie 1 comments

Hey everyone, just thought I'd let you know that I won't be blogging much for the next little while. We just moved in with Peter's family for a little while, and my internet is rather slow. We're coming back to Canada for Thanksgiving weekend and just yesterday, finally found a BEAUTIFUL place to live. Pictures to come eventually, but not really sure when. They did just send us some pictures so maybe I'll post them soon. I can't believe we found such a great place. I'm super excited. Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know that like my mom, I'm not ignoring you, I'm still reading the blogs when I can, and all that stuff. Will blog more later.

104 Questions

8.25.2006 5:14 PM 11 2009 Melanie 12 comments

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I have a scar on my left thigh that's really ugly. I was four and was playing on a car while it was being washed in the driveway, slipped, and sliced my leg open on the license plate. I never got stitches, which I'm annoyed at. If I had, I wouldn't have this ugly thing. Ah well.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
A Jack Vettriano print called "The Singing Butler" custom framed as a Christmas gift (thanks mom and dad), two candle holders, and two framed pictures of Peter and me. We're HUGE fans of Jack's. I also have his "Dance Me to the End of Love", "Back Where You Belong", and "The Billy Boys".

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
I always thought it was blue, since I got it, but a few days ago I just realized that it was the silly plastic protective sticker they put on there. I've had it since January, and just realized it's a nice grey color. Who knew? Not me, I'm a dork.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
Right now I'm listening to Corrine Bailie Ray's "Girl Put Your Records On", David Gray's "This Year's Love", and Augustana's "Boston". That's not really extensive, but maybe I'll do a music blog soon with links to all my latest favorites.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Maybe about 2:30pm?

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
This house

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?
Being single and living alone, and being able to unplug my phone and sit home all day long with a book and a bottle of wine and some Dave Matthew's Band, sitting in my bathtub with a million candles, dreaming of some amazing guy who was going to sweep me off my feet.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
My pictures and journals from my trips.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Peter's cologne. It's from Fruits and Passions and is called Ulysse

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Occasionally. Sometimes when I just can't get away from people and be by myself I just want to get lost for a little bit. Honestly, I feel claustrophobic when I don't travel. Sitting in one country, one little town, drives me insane. I start to dream about plane tickets, and feel like I'm going to go crazy sitting in one place. I feel that way when I can't see trees and mountains or ocean...Weird that being in big open spaces makes me feel claustrophobic.

11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW?
Geez! Don't be so morbid. I'd pray for more time. I'm not done here yet.

12. THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
My stupid freaking girlie hormones. Poor Peter, there was worry that it was him, but no, just the hormones. Blast and wretch! Being a girl sucks fish.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME?
I'm addicted to perfume. I currently have Alfred Sung's "Bai" and "Shi", Hugo Boss "Deep Red", Max Azria's "Sexy", Lancome's "Noa", DKNY's "Be Delicious", Fruits and Passions "Human" and "Geisha" and Ralph Lauren's "Romance". I have a few more on my wish list, but my favorite changes with my mood. Tomorrow, I may go buy "Magnolia Blossm" from Bath and Body works, cause it's cheap and smells incredible.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Brunette (can a guy be a brunette as the "ette" is feminine?), curly and long, but not too long. I love Peter's hair, I love Orlando Bloom's hair (NOT Legolas, more Elizabethtown), Matthew McConaughey's hair is really pretty. The link for that last page is for my mom...he he he...

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
The lookout over Little Qualicum Falls, with a million candles and rose petals and a gorgeous dark haired boy holding a really pretty diamond, or a twist tie.

16. DO YOU LIKE PORN?
Nope. I can't believe there was a time in history where they burned fine literature in the streets, and this stuff is allowed to be sold in gas stations and disguised as novels, ie: Harlequin Romance (aka - porn for lonely women)

17. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Crap. I likely don't know. As previously established, I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth and not noticing until it's too late. Someone, somewhere is likely pissed off at me at any given time. There should be a 12 step program for people like me.

20. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?
Nope, not fluently. I speak more Japanese than any language other than English, and I can ask where the bathroom is in about 5 languages, which is second in the "what to learn to say before you go" list to "No thank you, I'm full".

***Hey, where are questions 18 and 19? This is now 102 questions. Ha ha, can't pull the wool over my eyes***

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
No idea, but my Grandma made me a baby blanket, which I still have.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Peter signed a contract stating that I get to come along. Works out well for me.

***And questions 22-27?!? Okay, now we're down to 96 questions***

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
By not just shooting off your mouth, but actually living as though they do mean as much to you as you say. Jewelery or perfume works too.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
Okay...done.

31. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES?
I don't know what this is asking, but I wished for, and attempted with many boxed dyes, to be a strawberry blonde. The closest I came was the color of a ripe peach, with big blonde streaks. I cried for a long time.

32. WHAT IS ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
My parents.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Click here

34. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yep, and have even showed up at my mom's front door, dressed like a boy, trying to sell MC Hammer tapes. Ask my mom to see pictures. It's her fault that she cut my hair like that.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Eating olive tapenade and reading a book

***Okay four more questions missing. We're down to 92 questions. I wonder if they were there, and Angie deleted them? If so, what were they asking?***

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I'd like less thighs and love handles. Apparently, even when I was a scrawny little kid I had love handles...not sure if they're ever going to go away, but I'm trying. Stupid oblique machine...ouch.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
Shameless self promotion

42. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA?
Pepperoni, Ham, Salami, Bacon, Mushrooms, Pineapple, Feta. No freaky sauces please.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Stockpile wine. Everything else I could live without. And I'd comfort my mother who would have to find something to drink other than Smirnoff Ice.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A weekend away with Peter, a really nice dinner out, maybe some new perfume or jewlery or a book. Maybe a pony, can I have a pony? This one, I want this one. Watch this link a little while, the picture changes.

45. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING BLOOD?
Stay inside.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope, but my first born son will be named after Peter's grandpa who killed a man eating tiger in India, to defend his family and their village. True story. I think that deserves people being named in your honor.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Yep. I've seen more falling stars than any one person deserves to see in their lifetime. You see them a lot in Hawaii, just because there's nothing for 2500 miles in any direction.

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
I don't like my fingers or hands. I have little girl hands. They look like they should have bubble gum pink nail polish on their little pathetic nails...sigh.

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Last night. I was laying next to Peter and he was falling asleep and I was just so happy I cried. Yeah, I know...

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I spend hours writing for the simple purpose of making it look as pretty as I can. When my wedding invites went out, no one was allowed to help me write the addresses on them. I'd make Peter a new signature if I could, I'm completely obsessive about this. Poor guy. For a guy, he isn't even doing that bad. Yep, I love my handwriting.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
For some reason, I have been craving a baloney and mustard sandwich. I love pizza sandwiches, they're comfort food for me.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
What do you think? See answer 17.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
I like country. That's all I'm going to say about that.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yeah, I think so. It may take me a bit though to warm up to me, what with all the unintentional insults, talking too much, and being so opinionated.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Yep. Don't tell me your secrets. I hate them, I usually tell. Sorry.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Not as much as some things, but yeah, they do.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I get in my car and yell every nasty thing I wish I could have said. That is, if I've had the self control to not say all the things I would say in my car. Don't count on it though.

58. WHAT IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Probably my parents house, or Hawaii.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Yes I do. Sometimes it's dumb, but I'd rather be gullible than cynical.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
The Easy Bake Oven. It may have been the Oopsie Daisy Doll if I'd had more than three days to enjoy it before Shawn snapped its head off.

61. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS?
I think it's useless that kids now, don't know how to tell time on a clock, or look up something in a phone book, or read a road map or atlas. Why don't they teach crap like that in school anymore? I think sex ed is useless. I'm sorry, but watching a live birth video when you're a guy in sixth grade, or putting a condom on a banana for a girl, is pretty freaking useless. If the guy you're sleeping with at 11 years old can't put on a condom by himself, or the girl you're getting pregnant at 11 expects you to be the one to carry the baby, maybe you shouldn't be having sex at all hmm?

62. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
I'm currently working on three actually. This would be one.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
What the heck do you think?

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Yep. Not a good time really. What's the big deal?

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY?
The ability to be a man. Spineless really just doesn't do it for me. I'm pretty happy with my latest pick though, I think I'll keep him around a while.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Mellie, Mellers (Shelly ONLY), Smell (Reagan and Robyn). Tootsie Lou (Uncle Jake ONLY) Mony (Grandpa and Uncle Marv ONLY). I'm picky about nicknames, and have never understood why people think it's funny to call you something other than what you've said your name is. I've never introduced myself as Mel, when anyone asks whether I prefer to be called Melanie or Mel, I always say Melanie. I'm pretty used to Mel now, it's inevitable, but I hate anyone calling me Mony other than my Uncle Marv and my Grandpa.

67. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Probably not, just because I think it looks so so uncomfortable when you snap back up. I'm not really afraid of heights though. I'd hang-glide or parasail before I'd bungee jump.

68. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES BEFORE YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I hate shoes. I really do. Ah, I do get claustrophobic in shoes, and sleeping bags for that matter. I have feet issues. I'd be barefoot or in flip flops for the rest of my life, if the weather would permit it.

69. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS?
Yeah I do. I don't like to talk about them though.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Ben and Jerry's (the two men I love as much as Peter) used to make this ice cream called One Sweet Whirled, which was freaking incredible. It's discontinued, so now I like bubble gum (because few others do and I don't have to share if I have it) and anything with caramel in it. Phish Food from B&J is yummy.

71. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE?
I have stupidly big feet for how short I am. They're 8.5. I hate my feet.

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
Red and Brown

73. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Four unfortunately. I hate the dentist more than most things.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The Augustana CD. They're my new favorite, just bought the CD a few hours ago.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
He he he. Peter and I didn't go out to eat for 27 days before tonight. We just went out for dinner and I ate...um...fine...Steak, scallops, mashed potatoes, cream of potato cheese soup, a mushroom cap, and a piece of really good bread with mediocre spinach dip. Oh and the manager let us sample 5 different bottles of wine, we ordered one to share between five of us, and then they gave us another complimentary bottle, so yeah, a little wine. I'm feeling a little sick right now.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Forearms and then hair.

***Where was question 78? You think you're so tricky don't you? 91 questions you liar***

80. DO YOU LOVE THE PERSON WHO POSTED THIS?
What do you mean? The person who wrote all these questions and got bored at 91 so screwed up the numbers thus going against every organized bone in my body and screwing with my head and making me long to re number the entire thing so that it reads 91 questions? Not to mention that the font is ugly and the size of the font fluctuates? (You didn't notice? NO? That's because I had to change it or lose sleep). No, can't say I love them right now.

81. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
Pretty happy actually. I had a great evening with good people, good food and good wine. Not a lot to complain about.

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Coffee. Wine. Diet Coke. In that order. I love Malibu rum, put Malibu in anything and I'll drink it. I really need to drink more water.

83. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Oh! You mean... I wasn't...? Oh.

84. FAVOURITE SPORT?
NFL football, and not just because Peter likes it, something about football makes sense to me for some reason. Peter loves baseball which I think is a miserable boring excuse for a sport who's only redeeming quality is that....umm....wait, nope, it's just boring. Even live. The best thing about the MLB game I went to was the hot dog. Okay, that's the only redeeming thing about baseball, the food you get at the game.

85. HAIR COLOR?
Brown. I used to dye it every color I could think of. See number 31. I haven't dyed my hair in three years, or cut it in as long. I've never been complimented more on my hair color as I do when I just leave it alone.

86. EYE COLOR?
I had a drunk guy approach me in my carnie days, and he layed down on the counter that you stand behind, and he asked me this. I asked him what color they looked like (trying to figure out how drunk he was) and he said they were gold. They're light brown and sometimes look really light. One eye is significantly lighter than the other, which makes me nearly a freak, but not as much as the fact that I worked as a carnie.

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
I'm supposed to when I read, or sit at the computer, but Peter thinks I look dorky in them, so no. I will admit, the frames I've had since I was 18 don't really work for me anymore.

88. SIBLINGS?
LOL - Ummm...13 total, last time I checked, including half, step and in-law siblings. I'm sure there are more though, my father was well, a bit of a whore. So I don't really know. We met one in a gas station once, by noticing that our last names were the same, and had no prior knowledge of her before that.

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
December. I really like Christmas. A lot.

90. FAVORITE FOOD?
Pasta. Dr Atkins can kiss my expanding butt.

91. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Bewitched. I would like to own every outfit Nicole Kidman wears in that movie. And have the body to pull it off.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
December 25. OH! or maybe February 12, (my anniversary)

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Nope, just have no desire to be the guy. If Peter hadn't done it I wouldn't have and then where would I be? Really, REALLY glad he did though.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall please.

95. HUGS OR KISSES?
Depends who you are. If you're my Granny, a hug will be fine thanks, if you're Peter, well...umm...Can I answer the same way I did the last question?

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships because they're harder and have better benefits.

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Probably Robyn.

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Ummm...Reagan because he never blogs.

99. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
The Moor, but Laurie King (Cool Sherlock Holmes writer). The Horse and His Boy by CS Lewis, two devotionals, my bible, and this other novel I got called...umm...Last Light? Maybe?

100. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A cool old looking map of the world.

101. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Scattegories. It's the only game I'm always able to beat Peter at.

102. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Friends.

103. WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT?
Peter and Loren.

104. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
Wow my husband is hot. Maybe he'll make coffee... I can't believe how much I sleep (usually 9 hours/night minimum). What time is it?

And I tag...Robyn and Kathy and my mom.

Un-freaking-believable

8.23.2006 3:49 PM 11 2009 Melanie 5 comments

I am amazing. I just played my first game of Madden, and beat my husband 69-52.Tatum Bell rushed for nearly 400 yards and averaged over 20 per carry. Rod Smith made 4 touchdowns, Lelie and Putzier each had 1. I'm incredible. I'm every mans dream wife, or Peter's at the very least. He didn't even try to let me win, just picked a team that was a bit inferior to mine, since it was my first day, but I creamed him. I was never behind for a minute. I'm off to the Hall of Fame, I'm goin' to Disneyland baby! My third down conversions weren't that great, but know why? Because I just never need them. Between my killer offensive line, and Mr. Bell, I am well on my way to the Superbowl. Pittsburgh, eat your heart out. Seattle, get wet! It is the day of the Bronco, and a major victory in my married life. I'm off to gloat...and enjoy the very long backrub I just earned myself. Poor guy, he just never saw me coming...ah, the sweet taste of victory!

Won't Back Down - Songs to Encourage

8.21.2006 12:42 PM 11 2009 Melanie 5 comments

It's hard to describe, without a two page blog (not beneath me, but not necessary right now), all that's been going on lately. It feels like everything is changing, and a lot of that change is scary, and it's hard to see the big picture right now, and to believe that God has control over it all. Sometimes, without really thinking about it, I think he's up in Heaven wringing his hands, worrying how my life will work out. I know he's not doing that, but the little problems that can sweep in and consume my thoughts, sometimes seem hard to deal with since I don't feel like I have the whole picture. I forget sometimes, that I do have the whole picture. I know the end of this story. Not to make it sound too trite, because that's not how my problems appear to me right now; they seem insurmountable, but really, at the end of the day, God comes through for me and always has. And the end of the story is in the Bible, and I know that it's all going to be okay, even though it doesn't feel like it.
Another great artist I've found, is Jill Phillips who is pretty incredible, and has some really beautiful songs out. Go to this page and listen to the song "Never Let Me Down". I've copied the lyrics here.

I guess I learned the hard way
This world can’t give me what I need
Even though the house I built on sand
Was swallowed by the sea
You never let me down
You never let me down
You never let me down
You never let me down
Sometimes I think I’ll only be content
With things that money buys
Its like trying to squeeze water from a stone
It will not provide
You never let me down
You never let me down
You never let me down
You never let me down
You might let me cry
You might let me sing
You might let me feel a fraction of your suffering
(You might let me share your suffering)
But you won’t let me down
You never let me down
If I could just stop striving
And surrender to your holy power
I know your loving arms will lift me up
And never let me down
You never let me down

I love the theology displayed here. It's awesome. This is who God says he is, regardless of what I'm going through. I love it. On the same page, the song "By A Thread" is more where I feel like I'm at now, and that's okay too, God understands that I'm human, that some days I'm just going to be tired, and sad and discouraged.

I can’t help but feel like there’s something missing
I feel the same old truth but this time its not convincing
All your promises
Are hard to swallow when
I’m hanging on by a thread
I still believe every word you said
But I can’t get it down from my heart to my head
I remember the story about someone who needed
Help with his unbelief even when he believed it
You didn’t come to heal
The ones who never feel
They’re hanging on by a thread
I still believe every word you said
But I can’t get it down to my heart to my head
I need you to make a connection
Make a connection please
Its foolishness to hide
You must know that I am
Hanging on by a thread
I still believe every word you said
But I can’t get it down, down, down
I’m hanging on by a thread
I still believe every word you said
But I can’t get it down from my heart to my head
Down from my heart to my head

I love the line, "It's foolishness to hide, you must know that I am..." I forget that God knows me better than I do. He already knows that I'm scared, admitting it to him doesn't surprise him or make him disappointed in me, quite the contrary, I think he wants us to be honest with him, no matter where we're at. What kind of a marriage would I have if I only ever talked to Peter when I felt wonderful and great, and happy. None. What I love about our relationship is that it doesn't change based on how we feel. God is the same. He wants me to come to him with all of it, even when I'm angry at him. David did it; read the Psalms. Sometimes I find that God most speaks to me when I'm honest with him about exactly where I'm at, because that is true humility. Being able to be really known for exactly what you are and where you're at, both good and bad, and be willing to surrender it all.
Something I've really felt God saying to me lately, in a lot of areas, is that I need to trade in my version of reality. What if God showed up and told me, that although my experience in this world has taught me that if I touch something hot, I will burn my hand, that that was no longer true? What would I do? Belief is to say, "Okay then, thank you for that, have a great day." Faith is to reach out to something hot based on the belief that what God says is true, regardless of what I experience to be real. We like to say that Faith is believing the bible is true without seeing that manifested on earth, to non-Christians, to get them to believe what they can't see, but we don't like it turned around on us. If my experience doesn't line up with the Word of God, and his character found there, it has to be scrapped as a source of truth in my life. Doing that feels a little like reaching out to a fire trusting that it won't burn me. But what if, what if I spent my whole life based on what this world dictates to me to be real? I can't do that. I have to live as though the spiritual realm is actually more real than this place I live, whether I see it or not. I have to live as though what the bible says is true, even if I experience something that doesn't line up with that.
For now, that's a hard road to walk. To maintain belief in what I know to be true of God, even if all around me, it doesn't look that way. God is obviously wanting to teach me something here, and the tradgedy is not that I'm going through a hard time, but rather, that I wouldn't use it to learn more about God and who I am as his child, in the midst of it.
This song, "Won't Back Down" is another Mat Kearney song that's just really pretty, and don't worry mom, doesn't rap at all. Have a listen, it's number 13 on the little player.

You woke the morning up
Running off my darkest night
The longest fight I've seen
Here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips
Let all my ships come fly
These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of these ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Gave me second life, kept me in this fight
And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand my solid ground
You found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow
Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night
These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And all of your light, found my bottle in the night
Kept me in this fight and gave me second life
And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid ground
Hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost
All is left to gain
And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid ground
Hallelujah, hallelujah

I love that he says "I won't turn around and around". Sometimes I feel like I'm doing great, it's okay, I'm going to be fine, praise God, and then the next second, I'm all turned around, and worried and scared. I can't doubt the word of God just because I don't see things happen the way I want, when I want. No matter what, God has my best interest at heart, and I can trust that. Worship always encourages me, and these songs of late, as well as some promises in scripture that I'm standing on, and won't back down from. This is what God says, and that's the end of it.

"There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying "Destroy him!" So Israel will live in safety alone; Jacob's spring is secure in a land of grain and new wine, where the heavens drop dew. Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will trample down their high places." - Deuteronomy 33:26-29

So much for not writing a two page blog.

Summer Snapshots

8.17.2006 10:39 AM 11 2009 Melanie 8 comments

This is me having breakfast at Perkins (something similar to a Smitty's) a few weeks back. Peter and I have not gone out for a meal now in two and a half weeks, which for us, is a pretty big deal. I'm running out of dinner ideas, but I love to cook, and it's just insane how much money we were spending on food. So now we're eating at home, but since restaurants are the only thing to do in Gillette, other than going to the gym, we've been finding other ways to amuse ourselves at home. We've had people over, we read together in the evening, watch a little TV, and have gotten rather addicted to Yahtzee. Yep, we're a cute little old couple.

The Morel boys are planning a backpacking trip. They're going to hike into the Bighorn mountains, and sleep under the stars, and freeze in their sleeping bags at 12,000 feet. It's about a 20 mile hike with about 40lb packs and they're going to do it in about three days. I wish I could go, sounds like fun, but I'm really glad Peter gets to do a boy thing with his dad and brother. Did I mention that his dad is 58 years old? I so hope that Peter is in that good of shape when he's that age. We all think his dad is lying about his age, he must be only 43 or so... So last weekend we all went to the trail and hiked about four miles of it, and had a really good time.

This sign welcomes you into the Cloud Peak Wilderness. Naomi was such a trooper, and had an awesome time. We couldn't believe that she kept up with us all. We always say that Naomi has a recipe on her back that says, "Energy? Just add people!" She's such an extrovert it's hillarious. We had a great time with her, especially when Peter got her a little walking stick.

This was a pretty little lake that we sat at and ate some grapes. Naomi didn't need the rest apparently, and just ran all over with Peter and her dad looking for big rocks to throw in the water.

This is sunset from our balcony. We've gotten some pretty amazing ones these last few days. I'm loving it. I love the sky over the plains, there's nothing like it sometimes.

Speaking of the sky, we've had some pretty amazing storms here lately. This is me on our balcony, watching some incredible clouds.

I was a little worried about tornadoes, it dropped about 15 degrees in about two hours here, and the wind kicked up really fast, but apparently, they just don't get them very often here. About 30 miles south of here they got one a few years back, but Gillette has been safe.

Either way, I couldn't believe the clouds. You, of course, can't see how quickly they were moving, but this was just a long seething, churning mass of clouds, and they felt so close. I wish we could have turned to the right and gotten a picture of the huge bank of clouds coming in from the other side, and they were colliding right above our house. It was fantastic. Anyway, there's some pictures of our summer so far. I should start packing our house, since we're moving in a few days, but I just can't stand the prospect of doing that. I HATE packing and moving. And I may have to do it three times in the next two months. Yipes. Anyone wanna come over and help me pack? I'll make you the most fantastic dinner, I promise, and provide you with any beverage you like, and essentially wait on you hand and foot, just so long as I don't have to pack. Any takers?

More about me...if you're not on overload already

8.15.2006 9:57 AM 11 2009 Melanie 10 comments

Okay, Carrie tagged me, and like her, I'm a big fan of the surveys.

1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE?
9:00am

2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON WHO WOULD IT BE?
The only people I can think of are dead...but I guess my chances aren't that great anyway, so I'm going to pick CS Lewis.

3. GOLD OR SILVER?
White gold

4.WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Umm...Pirates of the Carribbean 2? Not too bad.

5. FAVORITE TV SHOWS?
Iron Chef America, Gilmore Girls, That 70's Show, and Friends

6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches, and 5 cups of coffee (completely serious) Unless it's Saturday, then I get bacon, eggs, toast, juice and 5 cups of coffee.

7. WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
Ben Stiller

8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
Not a chance

9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
Peter. People that live life abundantly, and know their callings and are able to follow them. Luke and Naomi inspire me.

10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Rachelle

11. BEACH, CITY OR COUNTRY?
Beach or Country. I like the city in small doses

12. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall. Best of both worlds. I love winter clothes and laying out in the sun.

13. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Ben and Jerry's Phish Food (Chocolate ice cream with caramel and marshmallow ribbons, and little chocolate fishies)

14. BUTTERED, PLAIN OR SALTED POP CORN?
I like butter and salt. I'm not a big fan of all those freaky popcorn shakes you can use.

15. FAVORITE COLOR?
Red

16. FAVORITE CAR?
A Toyota FJ Cruiser

17. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING?
Olive Tapenade.

18. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?
Male Chauvanists (aka wussy little boys trapped in mens bodies), people who never learned basic manners or choose not to employ them.

20. FAVORITE FLOWERS?
Fire and Ice Roses, tulips, and calla lillies

21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE? Honestly? Probably a while. And then, I'd never tell anyone other than my closest family. I hate what money and jealousy do to relationships.

22. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK?
Fizzy water, like San Pelegrino and stuff. Nope, no thanks, just tap water works for me.

23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
Black, Ivory and a rusty orange color

25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
Vancouver Island. Anywhere there is fine, so long as it's a log home, with a barn for my horse.

26. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
Nope, and no desire to learn.

27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK?
Saturday, because of breakfast, and nothing to do but hang out with Peter

28. RED OR WHITE WINE?
I like both. I'm loving red more every time I drink it. For red, my favorite would have to be Wolf Blass Yellow Label Cabernet Sauvignon, and white is Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio. We did try a red the other night at a restaurant that was $75 a glass, and it was unbelievable. Yummy.

29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
Peter made me breakfast, and showered me with presents, and took me for dinner at a cool old restaurant, that some US Presidents have eaten at. But the one before, I was whisked away to Saltspring Island to a cabin on the beach, with a huge hot tub for just us. We went hiking, and out for a wonderful dinner, and then took the ferry to Victoria, where we got another great hotel room, had a romantic dinner at Il Terrazzo, and a walk along the inner harbour. Can you tell the difference between what there is to do for fun in Gillette, versus BC?

30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
No, but I'm registered as an organ donor, they can have everything but my skin and eyes, if I die.

31. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Pass.

32. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK FIRST?
Pass

34. DID YOU NOTICE QUESTION 19 WAS MISSING?
Only because this was about the third time I've read this.

35. WHAT CD IS IN YOUR PLAYER RIGHT NOW?
A compilation of cool worship songs I found online, mostly hymns. The Mat Kearney CD, and maybe Lauren Hill?

And I'm tagging Peter because it's about time he blogged again, and Robyn.

Lovin' Taco Pete

8.10.2006 9:59 AM 11 2009 Melanie 9 comments

Doesn't everyone? These are his two sisters and me, in Hawaii. Gosh my butt was big then, but ooh, my tan. I miss the tan. Ahem, anyway. Peter had this roommate at this time, who was a funny guy, but always said on Friday night, "Awesome! It's Weekend Pete! I love Weekend Pete!" As do I. Peter would let his sisters fro his hair, and we'd all go to Denny's and complain that just because this Denny's sat up on a hill with an amazing ocean view, was no reason they could charge $11 for chicken strips. We'd all get fries and cokes and laugh. When my best buddy Lindsay was in Hawaii doing her DTS, we all just had the best time.

This is my caffine addicted darling. This is the way to my man's heart. Cooking is nice, but he'd rather eat olives and crackers and cheese, much to my chagrin. However, pick up a latte for him on the way home, and I can have anything I want. A cool coffee mug, or a flavor syrup for his espresso machine will have the same effect.

Peter has a variety of nicknames. Taco Pete is one that his sister Shelly and I gave him, thanks to his running us to Taco Bell for late night taco cravings. Though he doesn't like being called Pete very much, he does let me, on occasion. He doesn't really look like a Pete though. I'm not allowed to call him sickly sweet sounding names like "sweetheart" or "pookie" (umm...eww?), or stuff like that. I'm allowed to call him "babe "or "baby" or "honey" and that's all. There was this couple on TV last night that called each other "monkey" which I though was totally weird. It's usually just "babe". Does every couple eventually have this conversation? "So, umm, what do we call each other. Are you okay with being called this?"

I love that Peter is a guy's guy. We've decided to label him a "rugged metrosexual", which I think suits him well. For those who are older than 35, a metrosexual is a term for a guy who is concerned about his appearance to the point of nearly appearing gay, but yet are actually quite straight. Just very well dressed, and taken care of. Essentially, a metrosexual is someone who washes their hair more than once a week. He's also really freaking smart. He has a knack for remembering names and places, and will sit and look at a road atlas forever, memorizing distances between places, and populations of most major cities. He's a walking tour guide, a history buff (his dad has degrees in Classical Humanities, or Greek and Roman History, and his Master's in Education, so Peter comes by it honestly I suppose), a jack of all trades, and master of most. He knows sports stats that completely confuse me, on everything from tennis, to football, and baseball. One day I'm going to make him go on Jeapordy and make some money off him.

Ahh, my two favorite guys. Loren has been my very good friend for ages now, 8 years I think, and regardless of our age difference (14 years) we've always gotten along really well. He's like a big brother to me, even though there were rumors of us being together for quite some time. Possibly spawned, or at least spurred, by Loren just being mischevious and holding my hand when we'd randomly run into someone we know. It was always funny to us that people would put us together. When Peter was about to meet Loren for the first time, he asked me what he was like, and I was shocked when I realized, "Well, he's a lot like you." I always said if I could find a guy like Loren who I could feel romantically about, I'd marry him and live happily ever after. Cross your fingers, Loren may actually come visit us next week, which we'd love. He and Peter get along great.

This is where the "rugged" part of "rugged metrosexual" comes in. No girl wants a guy that's prettier than she is. (Careful Shawn). I love that Peter likes to climb trees and mountains and get dirty and be outside. I am significantly worried that our boys will be just like him, and I'm going to have to learn to be very easy going:
"Gabriel Willam Morel,(what we're naming our little boy) tell me, WHAT is that strange creature in our bathtub?"
"It's a ferret, or a weasel, or...something. I'm going to catch mice to feed it. Do you think it will eat mice?"
"Darling, I'm very sorry, but you will NOT keep a weasel or ferret or any living creature in the bathtub. And you may not feed it mice. You need to let it go, and pick it up with a blanket or something, I don't want you getting rabies, if I have to take you to the hospital that will be the third time this month. If your dad goes to take a shower and sees that thing in there, he's going to flip out, and then you'll have to stay inside like normal kids and watch tv during the day, instead of playing ouside".
"But MOOOM, dad said it would be cool! We've tried to give him bugs but they kept crawling away out of the tub. Even the really big ones! Dad thought mice would be better, he's looking for some now. Do you have some cheese we could use?"
"Gabe, could you ask your father to come here please, and preferably without any strange creatures in his tow?"
Yep, this is going to be my life, a few short years from now. I'm going to need a bigger coffee cup.

This was just a little while ago in Jackson Hole. The first time I took Peter to Victoria, there's this big stuffed bear on Government Street. I wanted to take a picture of him hugging it, but then I didn't want to stand there and hug it myself. We had this huge hillarious yelling match on the street, causing people to stare as we yelled "Hug the BEAR!!" and me, "NO, stop yelling at me, people are looking". Peter ended up with this hillarious picture of me standing next to the bear with my head on it's shoulder looking very defeated. Now whenever we see a large stuffed creature, a hugging picture is a must, to avoid another argument.
Oh, the fun I have with this man. He cracks me up all the time, whether it's because he gets mad playing Phase10 and freaks out at Carlie (very funny), or I come in and he's dancing in the living room in a pair of my jeans, and threating to "just go check the mail, I'll be right back." The other day, while I was chatting with his mom, he snuck downstairs and had Shelly straighten his hair. He came back looking just like Kid Rock and tried to make out with me, which scared me to death. He's shameless, and serious, and silly and smart. He's talented and passionate about life and God, and sings like an angel. I know I say this a lot, but, ahh, what a guy. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Next time you see him, ask him to do his radio voice, you'll laugh until you cry.

Delicious Peace

8.03.2006 11:09 AM 11 2009 Melanie 5 comments

This is a cool site that I found that provides the best of two issues I am very passionate about: good coffee, and being a good and loving human being no matter to whom, and if they deserve it. And in that order, because until I've had my coffee, I'm not at all a good and loving person.
Here's and blurb from the article:

Brewing "Peace" Among Jewish, Muslim, and Christian Coffee Farmers
At times, a really inspiring project arises that offers an opportunity to weave together the most important threads of social justice and religious acceptance. Mirembe Kawomera "Delicious Peace" Coffee is such a project. The coffee comes from the Fair Trade Certified™ Peace Kawomera Cooperative in Eastern Uganda, formed in 2004 as a strong interfaith alliance of 558 Jewish, Christian, and Muslim coffee farmers. The co-op produces high quality Arabica coffee, and is sold as "Mirembe Kawomera 'Delicious Peace' Coffee" by Thanksgiving Coffee Co., which has established a close partnership with the co-op.
The farmers and their communities made a conscious commitment in 2004 to work together across religious lines for the benefit of all, and to demonstrate that peace among religions is possible. "We think this farmer coalition is unique in all of Africa," said cooperative director JJ Keki. "Today the world is in pain. We want to prove that a better way is to be proud of who you are, respect each other, and make something great together."
For Paul Katzeff, CEO of Thanksgiving Coffee Co., the opportunity to support this extraordinary project represents the fulfillment of his 34 years as the innovative leader of the socially conscious coffee roaster: "The Members of the Mirembe Kawomera Cooperative in Uganda exemplify the hope and dreams of the 60's generation, my generation." Mr. Katzeff said, "Peace through tolerance, hope through cooperation, and justice born of equality. Deep in the heart of Africa 558 coffee farmers decided to grow the size of the pie instead of fighting over the scarce little there was. Their courage and creativity in this worldwide time of strife and conflict is a story that the world's leaders need to hear. I am proud of the fact that the universe brought this story to us at Thanksgiving Coffee Co., and now, let us all spread this story of coffee and peace. It's a story for all generations; their coffee is exquisite in both flavor and spirit."
Thanksgiving Coffee is determined to support these Ugandan farmers and their example of peace and tolerance. The company has established a profit-sharing program to help the cooperative fund community projects in education, healthcare and business development, and to build increased capacity to grow and process more coffee. One dollar from the sale of every package is donated to the Peace Kawomera Cooperative with the goal of raising an additional $74,000 over the course of this year to support peace and cooperation in Uganda.
Thanksgiving Coffee has committed to grow sales as the cooperative increases its production. "We are just fundraisers for small coffee-growing villages around the world," Katzeff affirmed. "The cultivation of coffee is a noble profession, one which, however, needs consumers. We urge people to buy, drink, and enjoy this wonderful tasting coffee from Peace Kawomera Cooperative.

I think this is such a cool idea. If you have a credit card, order a pound of coffee, from their website. It's no more expensive than a pound of Starbucks coffee, which, if you don't have a Tim Hortons near you, is the only kind of coffee to drink. Don't even get me started on Folgers...(the F word of coffee). This would make a great gift to those hard to shop for people, and a way to spend your money that you can feel good about. I don't know any Muslims that I can be kind to in the name of true Christian love, so to me, this is a cool opportunity.
Peter and I, because we don't really have a home church, look for unique ways to tithe our money. This is one of those ways. We haven't gotten the coffee yet, but I'll keep you posted on how it is.

Summer Reading List

7.26.2006 10:44 AM 11 2009 Melanie 7 comments

There's something about a good book, that I think, out-does a good movie any day of the week. I love books. One day, I want my own library, just a little one. Some place with big chairs and a comfy throw blanket, and a little coffee bar, now that I'm dreaming about it. I've been meaning to post what I've been reading lately, and recommend some great books I've found. If you're interested then that's great. If you have reading suggestions for me, that's even better.
Currently Reading:
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin - I loved the movies, but never actually read anything by her before now. Liking this one so far. It's in a collection with Mansfield Park, and Persuasion, so I'm looking foward to those. Jane's a little wordy though, so I need to read this in peace and quiet, so I don't get distracted by the subtleties in what she writes.
The Horse and His Boy - CS Lewis - Read it before, but Peter and I are reading the entire Chronicles to each other and this is where we're at so far. This is a much better way to spend an evening than watching TV. If I ever get my own horse, I'm naming him after the boy in this story, Shasta. I adore these books, every one, though this may be my favorite. It's between that or Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The Last Battle makes me cry my eyes out. As soon as we're done the Chronicles of Narnia, we're moving on to Tolkien. I've got the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit in collectors editions, they're so beautiful I just want to look at them and smell them. They were Peter's anniversary gift.
My Utmost for His Highest - Oswald Chambers - This is a devotional I do with my quiet times. I like it a lot, he's very challenging, and says things in a way that's to the point. Big fan of this one, but it's slow going of course. I'll likely finish in a year or so. Maybe.
Voices of the Faithful - Beth Moore - Another devotional, each day is written by a different missionary. It's neat. I love missionary stories. Again, will likely be done in a year or so.
The Cure for the Common Life - Max Lucado - Okay, I have kind of quit reading this one. I loved the first few things I read of his, but now, it just seems like his writing is all the same. This book seems to be Waking the Dead by John Eldridge, but not as gripping a read. Note: read Waking the Dead by John Eldridge. Read anything by him. They (Max's books) just seem so....I don't know. Gimickey maybe? I loved some of his other books, but though he has good things to say, the way he writes just distracts me. I've given up on this one I think. Maybe I'll give it to someone. Any takers? Now that I've made it sound so great?
Book Recommendations:
Peter and I also listen to books on tape, especially when we go on roadtrips. The one we just finished was called Locked Rooms, written by Laurie R King. She writes books about Sherlock Holmes and his wife, Mary Russel. She's clever and funny, and her mysteries are great. I read another of her books, A Darker Place, but it suprised me with a needless sex scene (the Sherlock Holmes books were very tame), and other than that, it was good, but a little, well, dark I guess.
Peter is reading Black, White, and Red, by Ted Dekker, which are very good and I highly recommend. However, Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti wrote a book together called House - not very good at all. Don't spend the money. I was very suprised at how cheesy and, well, lame it was. Anything else by Ted I like, and anything else by Frank, for that matter. Weird. Maybe it's like ice cream, and lasagna. Both are yummy, don't mix them.
If you have, for some reason, not read the Voice in the Wind trilogy by Francine Rivers, spend the money. Buy them all, you'll read them at least twice. Peter's best friend Eric loved them, said he cried so many times reading them that he couldn't begin to count. They are incredible, and they are next on Peter's recommended reading list, as given to him by his wife. They're brilliant as are most things by Francine Rivers. Redeeming Love may be my next favorite though. I've read it about four times. The Last Sin Eater, and the Atonement Child are her next best and in that order.
There you have it. Pick up a book, grab a cold drink and go lay in the sunshine. Gosh, that sounds good right now. If I weren't so unbelievably sunburned, I'd be gone. Ah well, I'll grab another coffee and get back to Mr. Darcy, and the lovely Bennet girls. Except Lydia, I can't stand that little brat. Hope she falls down a well.

Home is where the heart is...

7.24.2006 11:08 AM 11 2009 Melanie 8 comments

That's what they say, anyway. If home is where the heart is, then I'm in serious trouble. I've left my heart all over the place, even in San Francisco, though I was only there two days. That's the trouble with me perhaps. I don't know where I belong anymore, I feel connected to places I may never be again, and to places I haven't gone yet.

I feel connected here. This is the Tetons, I was there just a few weeks ago. I feel connected to this annoying little town I hate, where I've lived for nearly a year. I know the best place to get what groceries, the best place to eat. I know street names, and directions. I live here. My license plate is marked Gillette. Yipes. When we leave to come back to Canada, I will miss some things here. I like sitting on my inlaws deck, watching the storms. I like going to the gym with our friends, and grabbing dinner afterward. I like playing with my niece.

I feel connected here, to a village in Nepal. I think I've actually been right here. I know people in these little towns, I know their names. One of them, I led to Christ over some chai. I've walked those long uphill trails, I've watched the Jesus film holding their children. One child in this town, found me alone in the woods, and taught me to make a grass whistle. We never spoke a word to each other, but we laughed a lot. I became an adult in Nepal, and faced some of my worst fears. This is where I developed the introverted side of me that I still cling to. Something that's just mine. Nepal gave me that, and the ability to not only like being alone, but the knowledge that it's necessary. This is the only place I've been, where I still struggle to explain all that I saw and went through. Nepal holds secrets for me.

This is the Old Airport Beach in Kailua-Kona, where I lived for nearly two years. I've sat on this beach and watched the sun go down here numerous times. I've had small group meetings here. I had a barbeque right here one night, and my guy friend asked me while I was grilling some steak, "Mel, are you attracted to Pete?". I told him I didn't know, and then, I didn't. Now we're married and I want to go sit on this beach with him again. I want Thai food from the restaurant here. I loved this little town. I loved racing my little moped up and down the old airstrip.

I miss people in India. I've been three times, and never been to the TajMahal. There's a little girl who sells postcards in Varanasi, in a pink dress I bought her. We fought off some bullies together one day, who were annoying her. I taught her to say "get lost" in English. I promised to send her a postcard, and never did. Maybe I still will. There's an old man in a Mother Teresa Home, that had no legs, that I "danced" with once a week. The only thing he had to his name, was a cot in a room with no walls. He smiled a lot, and wanted me to take him back to Canada with me. As did the orphans I held there, and a little demon possessed boy I prayed with there, and left screaming on the stairs as I drove away. You can't keep your heart in places like these.

I miss Kyoto, Japan. I found a little bit of myself in Japan, wandering through Kyoto, trying not to get high on the opium and incense burning everwhere. I've also stood right here, staring at this temple, with a million other tourists, but everyone is quiet in these places. I love the Japanese people, and there is something truly mystical about Kyoto, it's a piece of an ancient world, surrounded by all that is modern and advanced. It reminds me to hold on to some things, not to trade everything in for something else, simply because it's new, or seems more convenient, or grown up.

And this is one of my favorite spots at my favorite time of day. I've come here at all different times in my life, with different people, and just don't have one bad or difficult memory of this place. Peter and I set sail from here on our honeymoon. I've gone for dessert and drinks in the Bengal Lounge in the Empress, and listened to live jazz. I've fallen over laughing on the lawn of that hotel, at something Peter said. I've hung out with Lindsay and Loren here. My parents took me here when I was young. I think, nearly everyone I really truly love to be with, has been here with me at one point or another. Part of me really belongs in BC, there's something about the island, that gives me an, "I was created for this place" feeling.
Peter and I want to live here. And I can't get a visa in the States, for love nor money. Well, money maybe, but not an amount that I have. We're coming back in October and getting Peter his permanent resident status (faster, easier, and cheaper). And then we'll go back to ywam for a while before coming and setting in here for a bit. I will never settle down, I will travel, as will our children. There's something about seeing different parts of the world that gives you a gift you can't get from anything else. I want my kids to experience this. But it takes something from you. I'm connected everywhere, and nowhere. I don't know what feeling "at home" is. I don't know where I'm from.
I guess, the place that is most home to me, is Peter. In most of these places, I see exotic pictures of things, but remember people. I hope I pass this on. I'm coming to another round of goodbyes in my life, which I hate, and for the amount that I've said, am really, really bad at. But I have Peter with me, and in that way, it's kind of like having home with you all the time. I get nostalgic when I leave places, sorry for the long and sappy post.

What's a Boy to Do?

7.18.2006 2:38 PM 11 2009 Melanie 8 comments

Women's libbers will string me up for this post, I'm sure. Go ahead.
Loren Cunningham (founder of ywam) wrote a book called "Why Not Women?" about releasing women into their callings in leadership. Nice idea, especially in ywam where women outnumber men at least two to one. Women have to be in leadership then. I don't love it, but someone's got to step up, and men don't seem to do that as much anymore. I don't know if women are just getting too dominating, or men too passive, but it sucks either way. In most of my experience, due to whatever reason (read Wild at Heart, there's a few) men seem to back down, because they are attacked by Satan in that he tells them "You don't measure up, and you never will." So they do one of two things, become abusive, or passive. Women get attacked, and either seek more abuse, or become controlling. The passive side of men, and the controlling side of women, scares me. Women can be in leadership, they should be, but they do tend to be a bit controlling when they do. They don't lead as women. They try to be men, and it all goes south from there. I would like to see a real woman leader. But I have this, hmm, calling? to see real men of God again.

I remember that this is why I fell in love with Peter. I told him once, that I would never have told him how I felt about him, and if he hadn't done something, I would have left it. More than anything else, I wanted a Christian guy with a little initiative. Grow a spine. Be a man. I don't want to be the leader, I wasn't made to do it. You were. And he did. He stepped up, I fell in love and the rest is history. He leads like that too, in YWAM. I was amazed at this side of him. There's this quiet intensity about him that gives him authority without him having to say much. I remember this one time, this guy on our India team got in line for food with all of us, and he was in front of all the girls. Peter jokingly said "Hey man, get back here, let the girls go first". He laughed and said no, and stayed where he was. Peter said more firmly, still smiling "Seriously buddy, get back here with the guys. Ladies first" The guy stood up a little straighter and said no, he was fine thanks. Gone was the smile. Peter said very quietly and firmly "Hey. If you are any kind of man at all, you let the ladies go first. Get back here." And that was that.

Chivalry is not a "lost art", it's the sign of a true man. I like having my door opened for me, to have Peter carry things that are heavy. I don't think you'll find a woman who doesn't. It took forever for me to get used to this. My standard response was "No, I'm okay, I can do it." Who freaking cares what I can do? Yes I can lead if I have to. Yes, I can be alone if I need to. Yes, I can carry my groceries up three flights of stairs by myself. But what for? What do I have to prove? Peter's common response to me was, for a long time, "yes, I know you can do it, but I'd like to, if you don't mind." Letting him help me makes him feel like a man. And I want a man. I don't want to do it by myself. Men and women were created for each other. Men are supposed to be the head of the family. The moment that is abused, and isn't done in a sacrificial way, it's gone. The authority they had is toast. But when it's done right, the way God instructs men to lead, there's no reason for me to feel like I need to prove anything. I have no problem submitting to Peter, because he strives to be like this. But if he drops the ball, and I pick it up and try to lead, then we run into issues. I'm not supposed to be the head of this family. The most loving thing I can do to support him, is (gasp!) submit to him. Not lay down dead, but let him lead. Believe that he can lead. If he drops the ball, as is bound to happen from time to time, let him pick it up again. This is HARD for me, and like most hard things, worth the effort.

I want to raise boys with this amazing man I've found. I want to have boys. I actually believe we're having boys, and that maybe, I'll have a little girl last. I was reading about David and his sons a while ago, and so strongly felt that God was going to give us boys first. Weird. I pray for this man I have, that he'll be strong, and that our sons will be like him. That they'll marry girls who will appreciate strong chivalrous men, who sweep women off their feet, and are grounded in who God says they are. I feel so passionately that a lot of what is wrong in society is due to the fracturing of the biblical family, and the absence of real father figures in men's lives. And in women's lives too. Men don't know how to lead anymore. How to commit, and be strong. How to love tenderly, while still being a real man. They've run out of examples. This is my people group, the fractured family. This is my missionary nation, and I'm going. I want to be a part of reaching these families.

Go to this site, listen to the words of the song, "What's a boy to do?" It's a hearbreaking statement about men in this world. It's number seven on the CD player. If you're my mom, and can't ever make out the words in any song but a country song, you can read the lyrics here too. Don't worry mom, this one doesn't rap.

I'm sure that I'm moving to St. Louis
Three long years wondering here in New York City
I guess I'm looking for the right way to do this
I guess I'm looking for the right things to call pretty
Young boys playing in the park turning their backs to take a shot
You know I'll stay sharp around here 'cause they're the stoning and leaving type
It's the kind of love that comes and goes when there's company coming around
What's a boy to do who knows no man now?
What's a boy to do who knows no man now?

Daddy's been looking down his nose at all of them
And I've been looking round for someone to tell me who I am
He kept saying I was too young to finish a fight
I'd die each time they came I never got to draw my knife
Well it was just a pair of shoes in a middle school room with the world watching in
An angel is crying I'm dying just a little inside as they ran away
Funny which words stick around 20 years down when you're driving alone
What's a boy to do when there's no man at home?
What's a boy to do when there's no man at home?

Well I'll stack all my books into perfect rows
From the biggest down to the smallest ones
And I buy all the perfect clothes
Bullet proof and black, where I look like a son
Well it was just a rainy night at his house
A bottle spinning around the room
And everybody's singing and slipping down the bottom of a halfway rush of blood
And I was grabbing Missy but I was trying to find the light switch in the dark
What's a boy to do with no man in his heart?
What's a boy to do with no man in his heart?

It's all quiet for the first time
With no voices left to fall
I saw a boy at the bottom of the bridge
His car was left there on the top
It's four o'clock in the morning
Didn't need to be like this
There's a white sheet left to cover up
What should have been a holy kiss
It's not like those days
It's not like I'm scared of you
What's the Son of Man and a boy to do?
What's the Son of Man and a boy to do?

Are you sitting down?

7.11.2006 3:46 PM 11 2009 Melanie 7 comments

My husband blogged. Maybe if everyone could go there and comment, he'd be encouraged to do it more often?
Anyway, he even put up pictures of our camping trip, so if you're wanting more of those, you can see them there. He hasn't converted to blogger yet, but the layout for his msn one is so cool.
So there you go. Here's my show of support for Peter, and his blogging. Plus, he's super hot and maybe if I do some shameless advertising for him, he'll make out with me.

Running Scared

7.10.2006 11:00 AM 11 2009 Melanie 7 comments

This weekend Peter and I went camping again. We camped next to a beautiful stream and spent Saturday hiking to the Lost Twin Lakes. It was amazing. It's about a 16km hike total, with about 1500 feet elevation gain, so not completely insane, but tough. We ate a picnic lunch next to the lakes and had a wonderful day. The cliffs coming out of the lakes are about 1500 feet high or so, and the view, as you can see in the pictures below, was spectacular, and well worth the blistered feet and sunburn.When we got back on Saturday, we napped in our tent nursing our sore feet, and it started to rain, so we just hid out.

A really beautiful trip, and again, I can't get over how much I just love hanging out with him. We spent Friday night driving there, and setting up camp, and then I made some steak and we drank a bottle of wine next to our huge fire, and he played the guitar and we worshipped and relaxed. It was wonderful. Why then, the reason for this title? Let me explain:

Sunday morning, before we were to leave, Peter wanted to get a little fly fishing in. Sounds good. He was going to go for just over an hour. I was going to pack up camp for him, and because he knows my tendancy to worry, he told me he'd be back by about noon, and that I could start worrying about him at 12:15. He's pretty understanding of my silly worries, and insecurities. I packed up, took a quick "bath" in the stream, and settled on a log to wait the last 15 minutes or so. Half an hour later, he still wasn't there, and I wasn't worried, just annoyed that he wasn't looking at his cell phone clock, and getting bored and sore from my post on the tree. Half an hour after that, I was done being mad at him and getting a little worried. He was nearly an hour late, and now I was panicked. I couldn't figure out any reason for him to be late, barring bodily harm, while he had a clock. An hour late when you're leaving for six hours, is something. Being an hour late when you're only going for an hour, out in the wilderness alone, is quite another.

Now, I've read "Wild at Heart". I agree with it. I know I need to let him be a man, do boy things, be alone sometimes. We weren't camping in a campground, just up in the mountains. But Peter knows me. He knows after a certain amount of time, I'm unable to not worry. And then the fear hits, and your brain goes insane, and nothing rational makes the slightest bit of sense. I was terrified. I thought he'd slipped and fell in the stream and hit his head, or broken his leg. I contempated him being mauled by a bear, or a moose (thanks Becky) or bitten by a snake (this is Wyoming after all). I couldn't stand it anymore. I used my fallen tree to cross the stream and headed off in the direction I knew he'd gone. He was fishing, so I figured I could stay close to the stream and hopefully I would find him. I wanted to yell for him, so that we wouldn't pass each other in the woods, but the act of calling for him with no answer freaked me out more, and as any woman can imagine, within a couple of minutes, I was pretty upset. I was running through the trees crying, calling for him, not finding him and not getting a response. Then I turned around and saw his backpack laying there, with no one around it. It felt like a scene in a bad movie. This is when my last bit of rationale left me completely. I lost it. I was shaking so hard I couldn't think, and couldn't see him anywhere, and couldn't figure out why his backpack would be there and not him. I was screaming for him and bawling and running though the trees and all of a sudden, I came out of the trees, and he was across a meadow, chasing "the biggest fish he'd ever seen" up the stream. I screamed for him, and just collapsed. I've never been so scared, or so relieved in my life. He ran up, thinking I was hurt, and almost died when I told him what time it was. It took a few minutes, but I calmed down, and quit shaking, and nearly threw up (my way of dealing with stress it seems).

I have severe issues with fear, especially fear of being abandoned. I have trouble enjoying things becuase I know they can't stay good forever, meaning, to me, something bad is usually about to happen. I had every reason to be worried, even scared, but this reaction was a little much. That's the problem with fear, and with all sin I guess. It escalates. I'm never just a little worried. I'm a little worried, then I'm scared, then I'm terrified, then I'm wondering what it will be like to be widowed at the age of 24 and how I will live alone the rest of my life. I'm working on this. This morning, I looked up some verses on fear and came to this conclusion: Fear is a distrust of who God says he is. Man, and I thought I just had occasional panic attacks. Nope, I don't trust God in some areas. I allow my past experiences to shape my view of God. It's wrong - it's blatant sin. I'm working on it, and will continue to do so, likely for a long long time. I don't think God is going to "quick fix" anything for me in this area. I'm learning way too much the slow way.

In Peter's defense, he has promised me never to leave on his own again without a watch strapped to his arm. He had his cell with him, though totally out of service range, it had a clock on it, but the backpack it was in, was red, and "scaring the fish away". He left it, tried to judge the passing time, got distracted. He felt terrible, especially holding his mess of a wife shaking in the grass. We drove home, I had a long bath, and he took me out to a nice dinner, and then we got some strawberries and came home and watched the food network. I'm a lucky girl. Anyway, here are some pictures of the trip for you all, now that I've documented my total insanity.

The Benefit of the Doubt

7.05.2006 4:22 PM 11 2009 Melanie 7 comments

This is a long one folks, but if you're reading this, it's meant for you, so read on, if you like.

I am the queen of sticking my foot in my mouth. Do it all the time. When I was about 10 or so, we went to this rich persons house (some business thing for dad maybe?) and they had the most interesting accent. Couldn't put my foot on it...then she asked me how I liked school, and I went on a long rant about liking school except French. Don't know why we have to learn French and on and on...Remember the accent I couldn't place? You know the rest. I'm an idiot sometimes. I do this often. I don't mean to. I'm trying to get better, but this is just a funny thing about me. I don't like it, it gets me into trouble, I'm trying to change. What else can you do?

I had this friend when I got out of high school, and she'd had a rough past, really rough, and a lot of issues. She kind of took her own issues and projected them. She, like every girl, had issues with her body, and so constantly attacked mine, in a rather rude way sometimes, even if she didn't mean it to be that way. I felt bad for her, so I never brought up the way it kind of hurt my feelings. She didn't need that. But it grated on me, and hurt, and we never really were the kind of friends I would have hoped we would be. For this reason. I couldn't relax around her. Some days I'm too pushy, too outspoken, sometimes I hurt people's feelings without meaning to. I can promise any of those people, that I hate it more than they do. It's embarassing. But it is a little part of me. A part I don't like? Yes. A part that I apologize for, if you've encountered it? Absolutely. A part that I am changing? You betcha. Give me some time, it's gonna take a while...

But with my friend, I could never let my guard down long enough for that to happen. I walked on eggshells with her, and I wonder sometimes, if that isn't worse? I don't think that people have to watch what they say around me. I'm pretty good at hearing people. Most of the time...

I think, the measure of a true friend, or the measure of true family, is the ability to freak out, say things you don't mean, be human and have it all be okay the next day. I have a few friends like this, a precious few, and I think I may write them or call them today and tell them how much I love them for this gift they give me. This benefit, as the case may be. I want to be able to act out sometimes, and have someone, anyone, see that action and say "Hey, that's not the Melanie I know. I know that she would never do this if she knew it would hurt me." or say "She means to hurt me, she's upset, she's hurt herself, and she's lashing out, and I'm not going to react to that. I'm going to react to what I know to be true about her."

I don't do this enough for others. I can see some idiot on the highway go flying by us at a completely unreasonable speed, and think, "maybe his wife is in the backseat, in labour, and they're trying to get to the hospital". I have a harder time doing it with people I know and love. I want to be this person to my friends and family. And I want to be able to have this extended back to me. I'm sorry, if ever, I've said anything to you in passing, that hurt you. I didn't mean it. If I did mean it, I'm sorry, I'm human, I'm growing and sometimes I'm annoying and loud and I lash out when I should take a minute, shut up, and pray and get my act together.

My husband embodies this for me. I'm blessed for every day we spend together. He just knows me. I can't explain it better than that. I can freak out, it's okay. He knows that when I react, sometimes I just react. I can't help it, I hate it, and he almost never gets down on my level to battle me when I'm hurt or angry or upset. He knows to ignore me when I'm crying sometimes, that it may not mean anything, so don't make me explain. If I upset him when I'm angry at something else, or say something I don't mean, he knows how to wait, tell me later, and be completely forgiving before I'd ever even know to say I'm sorry. And we never ever joke about something we're actually upset about. It's mean, it never works, and it's a poor excuse to get your point across without having a conversation. We don't allow it. It's up there in our marriage rules with not going to bed mad, or folding towels a certain way.

I wish I could sit down for coffee with everyone I know and just say this: I don't mean to be the way I am sometimes. I hate how human I am. I'd be the perfect friend, sister, daughter, wife, granddaughter, cousin, auntie, if only I had it in my power. In the meantime though, could you give me the benefit of the doubt? We'll probably fight sometime in the future, if you're my sister, we may fight before the day is out, but no matter what happens, know this:
I would be perfect for you if I could. You're important to me. I hate the things I can say and do more than they may hurt you. I'm sorry already. Know that I love you first, and everything else you may perceive about me is less true than that one thing. And I have no problem with changing myself. And God has no problem at all with changing who I am. He's not really all that concerned with how I view my identity outside of him. So give me the benefit of the doubt, or just try to, and that's enough for me. I promise I'll try to do the same.