So I haven't been on here in well over two years. That's depressing. After the last post, for a long time, nothing seemed good enough to write. I couldn't, for instance, talk about my love-hate relationship with Grey's Anatomy after talking about Grandpa. Everything I wanted to write seemed trite, stupid, and wrong.
A year later, I started writing about wanting to get pregnant and start a family, and because I didn't want anyone to know that we were trying, I didn't think it appropriate to post here. So that's at another blog. Now that she's born, I need to make her one of her own and put up pictures and updates and things there, but I haven't gotten to it quite yet. Soon. Promise.
However, Becky filled me in that this month is NaBloPoMo (which I have to admit, as acronyms go, is a lame one). So I figured, hey, now is as good a time as any to get back on the blogging train. I miss it. I miss more, everyone else who used to post. My mom, my aunts and cousins. It was a way better way of keeping in touch than Facebook. Hopefully everyone else will do the same.
Either way, I'm still struggling to figure out where to begin. Let's try point form? Here's what I'm thinking tonight, in no particular order.
~My cousin Emily has H1N1. I am more scared than I want to admit of Bella coming in contact with this. I can't deal with it at all. I feel sorry for my Auntie Colleen because her baby girl is sick, and although I don't know much about motherhood just yet, that I know better than a lot of people.
-My Uncle John died and I think it sucks. I hate every last thing about it, and I have a hard time praying about it because I don't understand why God would have allowed it. It seems cruel and hard and I love his family so much and they are devastated. To say something like "it's so unfair" falls far too short.
~I'm sick to death of people telling me that I need to take a break from Bella when she's crying, which happens a lot lately (the crying and the telling - most recently, my doctor). She is not fussy. She is not being dramatic. She is in real pain that she doesn't understand and if all that makes her feel even slightly better is being swaddled, held upright with her stomach on me with her face in my neck and her hand touching my bare skin somewhere and me sitting in a rocker and rocking her for hours until my back and butt are so sore I can barely move, then that is what she gets. I will not lay her down and walk away when she's crying to do anything but pee, and I've done that holding her too. If this makes me a bad parent, then that's fan-freaking-tastic with me. I don't care. If one more person says "Well, honey, when you've done everything you can, then there's nothing wrong with leaving her in a very safe place to cry a little. You need to take care of you." No, I'm sorry. I need to take care of her. And I can't take away her pain. In fact, I shove a syringe in her mouth twelve times a day that is full of the medicine that causes that pain. She may not understand what is going on, but she will damn well know that when she cries, I am there. I will be there every single time. It's what I would want if I were her. And I will not deprive her of that for some "me time". I can't think of that as anything but extremely selfish. It's like saying to her, "Your pain is stressing me out. I need a minute" She doesn't get a minute. If she can deal with it at two months old, so can I at 27. I'm not frantic. I'm not going to shake her, or freak out. I'm going to hold her, and rock her and cry with her and we're going to figure it out, and if we can't, we're going to ride it out together.
Okay. Three points, and now I'm upset, and Peter is trying to calm Bella down and she's screaming in the next room. I gotta run. More tomorrow sometime I guess. We'll see how this blogging once a day goes.
A year later, I started writing about wanting to get pregnant and start a family, and because I didn't want anyone to know that we were trying, I didn't think it appropriate to post here. So that's at another blog. Now that she's born, I need to make her one of her own and put up pictures and updates and things there, but I haven't gotten to it quite yet. Soon. Promise.
However, Becky filled me in that this month is NaBloPoMo (which I have to admit, as acronyms go, is a lame one). So I figured, hey, now is as good a time as any to get back on the blogging train. I miss it. I miss more, everyone else who used to post. My mom, my aunts and cousins. It was a way better way of keeping in touch than Facebook. Hopefully everyone else will do the same.
Either way, I'm still struggling to figure out where to begin. Let's try point form? Here's what I'm thinking tonight, in no particular order.
~My cousin Emily has H1N1. I am more scared than I want to admit of Bella coming in contact with this. I can't deal with it at all. I feel sorry for my Auntie Colleen because her baby girl is sick, and although I don't know much about motherhood just yet, that I know better than a lot of people.
-My Uncle John died and I think it sucks. I hate every last thing about it, and I have a hard time praying about it because I don't understand why God would have allowed it. It seems cruel and hard and I love his family so much and they are devastated. To say something like "it's so unfair" falls far too short.
~I'm sick to death of people telling me that I need to take a break from Bella when she's crying, which happens a lot lately (the crying and the telling - most recently, my doctor). She is not fussy. She is not being dramatic. She is in real pain that she doesn't understand and if all that makes her feel even slightly better is being swaddled, held upright with her stomach on me with her face in my neck and her hand touching my bare skin somewhere and me sitting in a rocker and rocking her for hours until my back and butt are so sore I can barely move, then that is what she gets. I will not lay her down and walk away when she's crying to do anything but pee, and I've done that holding her too. If this makes me a bad parent, then that's fan-freaking-tastic with me. I don't care. If one more person says "Well, honey, when you've done everything you can, then there's nothing wrong with leaving her in a very safe place to cry a little. You need to take care of you." No, I'm sorry. I need to take care of her. And I can't take away her pain. In fact, I shove a syringe in her mouth twelve times a day that is full of the medicine that causes that pain. She may not understand what is going on, but she will damn well know that when she cries, I am there. I will be there every single time. It's what I would want if I were her. And I will not deprive her of that for some "me time". I can't think of that as anything but extremely selfish. It's like saying to her, "Your pain is stressing me out. I need a minute" She doesn't get a minute. If she can deal with it at two months old, so can I at 27. I'm not frantic. I'm not going to shake her, or freak out. I'm going to hold her, and rock her and cry with her and we're going to figure it out, and if we can't, we're going to ride it out together.
Okay. Three points, and now I'm upset, and Peter is trying to calm Bella down and she's screaming in the next room. I gotta run. More tomorrow sometime I guess. We'll see how this blogging once a day goes.
4:01 PM
I would say rock her as much as you possibly can. I agree with you 100%. The only thing that maybe you should consider is having the grandma over to maybe give you a break or some of her aunties cause you do need to take care of yourself cause if you crash and burn it will not do her any good. Wish I lived closer. I can sure rock a baby. The singing, meh, not so good but most babies really don't seem to care.
4:13 PM
I had a sick baby too and I couldn't put him down and walk away either. Tyler screamed and cried and puked and pooped from morning 'til night and I still couldn't let others take care of him for more than a bath and pee time. I remember once when Orla was over and she suggested I go for a walk and she would take care of him for a few minutes. I walked to the end of the street and just knew he was crying. i turned around and went back and, sure enough, he was crying. I didn't even attempt that again.
4:26 PM
I'm more than happy to let someone else snuggle her. If you're not sick, been around someone who has been sick, or have had a live vaccine, come on over. I'm stocked with hand sanitizer and clean blankets.
10:08 PM
I'm glad that you're blogging again, too! :D I have to admit, it's nice to see that blog template I made (and am actually quite proud of) being used. LOL
I can completely understand how you feel about Bella crying. I know that I would be the exactly the same. The closest experience I have to what you are going through was when Patrick got bitten by a raccoon and the wound swelled and burst. The vet said we had to get some hydrogen peroxide and clean it. Kyle had just finished making supper and told me that I could start eating while he fixed Patrick up. I sat at the table and stared at my food as I heard Patrick crying and yowling in the other room. I couldn't just sit there. I went in and helped Kyle. I held Patrick and cried and told him I was sorry we had to do this. But I knew I couldn't just leave him.
I think that you should just do what you feel is right for your child. She's yours, and not anyone else's. Of course, it's not good to burn yourself out, but do what you think you need to do. I think you're completely justified.